Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Anti-Merkinism, Anti-Canajunism an' Pundidiocy

Whooee! I was jest over t' Adam Daifeller's boog where he's got hisself a letter posted up that he wrote t' that bowtie-wearin' jackass Tucker Carlson. Seems this here numbnuts Carlstunned's been shootin' off his yap 'bout Canadee. What he sez ain't too purty. This dumb mothertucker's the selfsame idjit who sed sumpin' awhile back 'bout Canajuns doin' nuthin' but ridin' 'round in dogsleds.

These here Merkin polytickal commentator pundidiots is doin' a dandyass job o' showin' everybuddy jest how ignorant they are when it comes t' knowin' diddlydumplin' 'bout their bigass next door neighbour an' largest tradin' partner an' biggest source o' foreign oil. Alls the ignoramuses is doin' by trash-talkin' Canadee is playin' right inta the hands o' the Gritty More-Canajun-Than-Thou Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin. Ol' Polly's jest gotta wrap hisself up in the Canajun flag an' count up the votes. It's hard t' imagine Merkins doin' sumpin' that'd have the exact opposite result as they was expectin'. ;)

Most Canajuns that I know - an' I don't know anywhere near most o' the 30-odd million of us - say they like Merkin people but they can't stomach ol' Dubya Bushfeller. Y'know, it was the Merkin people who re-elected Bushboy after seeing what sorta feller he is. 'Ccording t' the rack-n-pinion polls lately, most Merkins ain't happy with the Bushman. Mebbe they voted fer'm in 2004 but they ain't all backin'm now.

Most Merkins I know - an' I know a few but nowheres near 240 million of 'em - don't know nuthin' 'bout Canadee. They couldn't tell you who the Pryminister is or what the names of our politickal parties are or anythin' 'bout our dumbass Westminster parliment. I met a feller in Washington, DC a few years back who put up a good argument that Canadee was part o' the USA. He weren't particular stoopid. He jest figgered Canadee was one o' them states he'd heard 'bout but had no intention o' visitin' like North Dakota or Idaho.

This here MotherTucker Carlstunned ain't stoopid, neither.

He's jest ignorant.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Air Pollution an' Laffin' Dogs

Whooee! Well, Ol' Spot an' I been traipsin' the field again. What was planted in soybeans last year got planted in corn this year. I sed before cornfields ain't the bestest place fer walkin' the dog on accounta the corn leaves is mighty sharp an' when ol' Spot lights out after a bunny or a dang squirrel, he gets all sliced up. They finally took off the corn an' the stinky swamp's 'bout froze up so the field's lookin' like a good place fer walkin' ol' Spot again.

Nanticoke Stacks

This here pitcher is from the cornfield. I was doin' sum zoomin' with the little camera an' I oughta tell you that the tree was 'bout mebbe a half mile away. The smokestacks is 'bout 12 - 15 miles off, as the crow flies. Them there stacks thatcha see belchin' smoke an' steam is at the Nanticoke Generatin' Station on Lake Erie. From what I hear tell, this here Nanticoke station is the worst o' the worst when it comes t' pollution. They only built it 'bout 35 years ago but the dumbasses built it so's it burns dirty ol' coal fer makin' the hydro.

'Round here there's been sum talk 'bout convertin' the whole ding-dong plant inta a new nuclear powered deal. Shee-it! How much is that gonna cost? I'd rather they covered the whole couple thousand acres that there coal burner's settin' on with windmills. I ain't too keen on havin' a nuke station in my backyard an' I reckon the windmills'd be pumpin' juice back inta the grid a whole heap quicker'n goin' through all o' the rigamarole t' get a nuke station up an' runnin'. I hear ol' Ginty's got his heart set on more nukes, though, an' he gets what he wants mostly so the hell with us peons who gotta walk our dogs in plain sight o' Nanticoke.

Sum folks like t' see pitchers o' dogs an' cats an' other cuddly critters so I'm postin' up this here pitcher o' Ol' Spot. He turned 2 years old on November the 22nd. He's a headstrong little feller but since he turned 2, he's been payin' better attention t' what Ma an' I tell'm. I seen a thing onta the CTV last weekend where they figgered out that dogs can laugh. Hell, I coulda told 'em that. Ol' Spot does a lot o' laffin' when he's chasin' the kitty 'round the house or when he's playin' ball. In this here pitcher, he's carryin' a stick. I do a lot o' stick-throwin' an' he does a lot o' stick-fetchin'.

Spot Carryin' a Stick

Okay, that's all fer now.

Yores trooly,

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Martin's Gun Dealie

Whooee! Well, it looks like Pryminister PollyWolly Fartin' Martin finally come up with an idee before the Harpoontossers did. Up til now, it seemed like ol' PollyBoy was layin' low and only reactin' t' whatever Stevie Harper come up with. Harper sed he's gonna reduce the GST; Martin comes back with an income tax break. Harper wants t' give away money fer mums an' dads t' pay fer daycare; Martin sez he'll subsidize the daycares.

With this here ban the handgun bizness, Martin at least come up with sumpin' before the other guys did. Onliest problem is that handguns is almost banned already an' jest sayin' they're banned don't mean the badasses won't still have 'em an' can't still get 'em. Shee-it! How many o' them guns that kilt 50 or so fellers this year in Trawna (centre o' the universe) was registered? None, I betcha.

The troublem with goin' t' all the bother t' write up sum tuff new law against handguns is that the ones its aimed at don't give two shits 'bout the law. T' me this whole Martin idee seems like sumpin' aimed at makin' it look like the Grits is tuff on crime when the fact is the new law won't do any more t' stop gun crime than that billion-dollar registry's done t' stop long gun crime.

I reckon we oughta be throwin' the book at anybuddy caught with an illegal handgun. Send 'em t' jail jest fer havin' it. If they commit a crime an' they're usin' a handgun, lock 'em up fer a good long time, sez I. I reckon we can do all o' that jest by enforcin' the laws we already got.

All the time an' energy wasted passin' new laws could be better spent lookin' inta why the polar bears is havin' a ruff go of it without the ice that's supposed t' be all over the arctic by now. We got real troublems with guns, no two ways, but we also got troublems with the global warmin' oven an' other enviro stuff. We got plenty o' troublems with the first nations water an' with poverty an' with Merkin trade bullyin' an' a jillion other things the gummint can actually do sumpin' 'bout.

The way I hear tell, most o' the guns comin' inta Canadee is comin' from the Merkins. I guess Polly Wolly brought up the subject with the little gap-toothed Condi when she paid a visit t' Ottywa. The way it sounded, Condi din't figger there's much the Merkins can do t' stop guns from comin' inta Canadee. I reckon she's right. If we wanna stop sumpin' from comin' in, its up t' our own border fellers an' gals t' do it.

Yores trooly,

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Harpoontossers was on target this week

Whooee! Well, I reckon ol' Stevie Harpoon's bunch was first outta the gate this week and they scored points in the game of polyticks an' electioneerin'. Whoever's doin' all o' the strategic plannin' fer Harper is doin' a heckuva job. An' I don't mean that in a GWB/Mike Brown sorta way.

Looks like you gotta get up pretty early in the mornin' t' get out in front o' the main street media (MSM) fellers an' gals. Harpoon's been tossin' his spear in the AM an' the bigass policy stuff he's spoutin' at breakfast time's gettin' on the noon o'clock news an' six o'clock news, no two ways. I don't go along with much o' Harper's polyticks but I gotta hand it to him fer gettin' the media spotlight shinin' on his pasty face. He's lookin' a lot less starchy this time around, too.

Over onta the Liberals' website, I was readin' 'bout how much they charge the MSM fellers an' gals t' tag along with ol' Pryminister PollyWolly Fartin' Martin. Shee-it! It costs $8,500 a week t' get a seat on the PM's campaign bus or airplane or dog sled. That includes the ride, meals an' a bunk, I reckon. Yeow! I don't reckon there's too many Canajun boogeyshere fellers an' gals who could afford t' take a seat on that greyhound.

Mebbe the Conservatives' hotshot strategists are chargin' less dough than that fer taggin' along with StevieBoy. I see they got ol' Davey Achybrakey Akin ridin' with Harper. Everytime I turn on that CTV NewsNet I see ol' DaveFeller yammerin' on 'bout what Harpoon sed an' all. I ain't seen Davey take any shots at SteveFeller, yet. Like I sed, I reckon young Steve's got a smart campaign goin' on, so far. He ain't give the MSM much t' aim at in the past few days exceptin' that dumbass SSM deal an' even that is startin' t' look like it might not o' been so dumb. I see sum fellers sez ol' Harpoon did that so's he'd get the topic over an done with. Mebbe.

Funny one when ol' Buzz Hargrove give an bigass endorsement t' Fartin' Martin. Whooee! Bet that stung fer ol' Happy Jack. Everybuddy was callin' GoodAle's budget with the amendments "the Buzz Hargrove Budget". Looks like Buzz is payin' PollyBoy back fer doin' his budgetary biddin'. Jest don't let him kiss you on the lips, Mr. Pryminister.

That's all my windbaggery fer t'day.

Yores trooly,

Friday, December 02, 2005

I ain't dead

Whooee! Well, friends an' foes, I reckon it's been a couplafew months since I done any boogin'. Some folks mighta thought ol' JimBobby got killed or was sick or had a broken computer or mebbe couldn't pay the sympatico. Nope. Alls that happened was I got myself all wrapped up in a nail-poundin' project over t' the community centre an' I din't have any time fer boogin' like I shoulda had oughta.

The nail-poundin' work's 'bout over an' done with now an' with this here election comin' on, ol' JimBob figgered he oughta get back in the boogin' saddle so I'll try t' post up sumpin' fer yer readin' or lissenin' pleasure everyday fer the next while.

I see they got ol' Jimmy Harris, the Greenstamp Leader, shut out o' the TV debates again. Numbnutses! I reckon they got the wrong fellers callin' the shots on who gets inta these here TV yapfests. The way I hear tell, its sumpin' called the Broadcast Consortium who get t' say who is an' who ain't gonna get a chance to get up on their hind legs an' crow fer the cameras. The Broadcast Distortium is made up of execs an' newsy guys from outta the ranks o' the bigass TV networks. These here network fatcats is tellin' ol' Jimmy Harris an' the Greenies that they don't deserve t' be on the program on accounta they ain't got any remembers o' parliment elected in the House o' the Commonfolks.

One thing really gets my goat is that back in 2000, the Globall-Canwest outfit had ol' Peter Kent, the craggy newsman, sittin' on the Distortium sayin' who could an' who couldn't be on the TV. Then in 2004, ol' Kentfeller turns around an' runs fer Parliment as a Stephen Harpoon Conservative. That right there sez the whole Broadcast Consortium ain't nuthin' but a bunch o' partisan insiders who got the power t' steer public opinions with these here leader debate deals.

Elections Canadee is the outfit that runs the whole ding-dong election t' the tune of some ridiculous number o' millions o' Loonies. Back in 2004, the Green fellers an' gals went out an' brought in the vote an' they got 'bout 4.3% of all o' the votes in Canadee. On accounta the Greens got more'n 2%, they get t' be recognized as a major player an' they get sum dough - like a million bucks - from Elections Canadee. Elections Canadee gets the dough from you an' me, jest like all gummint money comes from you an' me an' also belongs t' you an' me.

Well, I figger if the gummint's spendin' a million o' my bucks on the Greens, the networks gotta duty t' let Canajuns hear the Green guy on his feet an' toe-t'-toe with the other national party leaders.

Sumpin' had me shakin' my noggin was when ol' Harpoon stabbed hisself in the foot with that there self-same sexy marryin' nonsense. I was readin' sumpin' jest the other day where some smart feller asks a bunch o' people what the Conservative Party stands fer. None of 'em knew much what the CPC is fer but they all knew what it's against - selfsame sexy marryin'. That's the onliest thing a lot o' Canajuns know 'bout the Harpoontossers an' most Canajuns is either fer SSM or else they don't give a rat's ass one way or anuther. When StevieBoy jumped all over that dead horse on the very first day campaignin' - whooee! - he give the Grits an' Dips an' Greens an' BlocHeads ammo fer sure.

Looks like the Cons an' the Grits is both tryin' t' grab up the other fellers' platforms. The Grits is all fer lowerin' taxes all of a sudden an' now ol' Harpoon's talkin' 'bout shorter waitin' times fer the healthcare. Wasn't it the same two fellers talkin' vicey-versey back in 2004? Makes ol' JimBobby think o' sumpin' I think the DippyWips say - Liberal, Tory, same old story.

Ol' Happy Jack's lookin' good along side Harpoon an' Fartin' Martin. I seen the Dips got a article up onta their website called sumpin' like Martin Ain't Walkin' the Walk. Sumpin' like that. Well, I ain't too thrilled with Happy Jack an' it concerns walkin' the walk. Back before the 2004 election vote, some reporters asked ol' Laydown what it was gonna take fer him t' prop up a Liberal minority if that's what got elected. Laydown sed there was jest one thing he'd ask for fer sure an' that was puttin' electoral reform onta the front burner. Well, I reckon we all remember when ol' Jackie gave his support t' PollyWolly Fartin' Martin. It was all about goodies an' handouts an' slappin' the bigass bizness wrists by takin' away their tax cuts. What happened t' electoral reform? He had the chance an' Laydown laid down.

I better not ramble on too long or else I might get all worn out on my firstest day back boogin' in a stretch. I ain't too keen on strainin' any o' my finger muscles or my brain, neither.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Hurricane Katrina (song, audio)

Whooee! Well folks, I been rollin' this here tune 'round in my head fer a day or two. It's set t' the tune o' Woody Guthrie's song, The Great Dust Storm. Folks is comparin' the dust bowl refugees from the 1930's t' these here victims in New Orleans. Back then, 'bout 400,000 poor folks was drove offa their land by drought an' dust storms. You mighta read ol' Johnny Steinbeck's story on it, The Grapes of Wrath. I reckon there'll be sum books wrote 'bout Katrina, too.

Click right here fer the audio MP3
o' JimBobby singin'.

Hurricane Katrina

On the 29th of August,
In the year two thousand five,
Came Hurricane Katrina,
Many folks did not survive.

They could see the storm a-comin',
'Cross the Gulf of Mexico.
It brought more death and hardship,
Than anyone could know.

In Gulfport and Biloxi,
And down in New Orleans,
They said it was the worst storm,
That anyone had seen.

The water broke the levees,
And New Orleans flooded deep.
It went up to the rooftops,
Some places twenty feet.

The rich folks and the middle class,
Evacuated town.
The poor, sick and disabled,
Were left behind to drown.

The hurricane subsided,
The poor folks felt relief,
But when the levees busted,
Their hearts was filled with grief.

They looked outside their windows,
Where neighborhoods had been,
Was now a stinkin' cess pool,
The worst they'd ever seen.

The water covered houses,
And schools and churches, too.
The folks who had survived it,
Didn't know what to do.

The poor folks climbed the rafters,
Of their water-sodden homes.
And then a bunch was herded
Into the Super Dome.

The Super Dome was crowded
And chaos reigned supreme,
While bureaucrats from FEMA thought
It was all just a horr'ble dream.

Five days and nights they waited,
Some starved; some died of thirst,
The bureaucrats all fightin' over
Who should go in first.

And through the mighty nation,
There's fingers pointin' blame.
The richest country in the world,
Now hangs its head in shame.

Across the world they're askin',
Why oh why oh why?
The richest country on the earth,
Just let its poor folks die.

Now, good folks from every nation,
Is pitchin' in to give,
Charity to America
To help the poor folks live.

Yes, good folks from every nation,
Is doing what they can,
To try and help the poor folks,
Livin' in the Promised Land.

Yores trooly,

Saturday, September 03, 2005

A Job fer PersuaderMan

Whooee! Speakin' o' jobs fer PersuaderMan, I reckon he could persuade ol' Dubya what's what in the priorities department. Everybuddy knows natural disasters hurt an' kill more Merkins than terrists ever done. So why's GWB an' crew spendin' all o' the Merkin's tax money on fightin' terrism an' cuttin' back on dealin' with real life stuff that they can count on happenin' year in an' year out?

It's lookin' more'n'more like the poor black folks in the Merkin southland is gettin' hung out t' dry. BillFeller Doskoch pointed t' where a bigass rap singer name o' Kanye West sed on the TV that BushFeller don't give a rat's ass 'bout the poor folks who's dyin' from thirst an' disease. The story's also 'bout how the mainstreet media (MSM) censors what we get t' see an' hear. Makes me wonder how many other anti-Bush things get filtered out by the fatcats at CNN an' MSNBC an' all.

There's plenty o' other fingers pointin' at BushMan an' the War on Terror takin' a toll on the FEMA budget an' Merkins' ability t' deal with disasters back home when they got so many army men an' so much special equipment off in Iraq.

I reckon it's the job o' gummint t' look after the cityzens. Protectin' Merkins from imaginary WMD's is one small part o' that job. Protectin' against things like forest fires an' mudslides an' tornadoes an' hurricanes an' floods oughta be a big part o' what gummints are there fer. If they don't look after their cityzens when they know damn well some disasters is comin' their way, what the hell good are they?

Yores trooly,

Monday, August 29, 2005

If I was a Super Hero...

Whooee! Well, back on Friday, ol' Timmy the G's Voice in the Wilderness was askin' what sorta super hero sum boogers might be if all of a sudden they was t' get whatever super powers they wanted. TimFeller wondered what kinda super hero a hillbilly hick might wanna be an' I give it sum thought. Now, I ain't been ponderin' over it since Friday. I only jest seen the question last night before I went t' bed an' I tossed 'round fer a minute or two before goin' sleepy-bye.

I reckon I'd like t' have super powers o' persuasion. PersuaderMan'd be my super hero handle. With super persuasion powers, I figger I could persuade all the other super heroes t' do my biddin' an' it'd be like I was Gumner General over all o' the super heroes.

If I had super persuasion power, I'd be able t' persuade sum o' the numbnutses who's doin' dumbass stuff t' open up their dumbass eyeballs an' smarten up. I'm talkin' 'bout numbnutses like Robert Mugabe an' that Korean feller with the funny haircut an' Ol' Sammy BinLaden an' ol' Georgie Dubya an' PollyWolly Fartin' Martin an' Stevie Harpoon. catwomanIf I could persuade them fellers t' use commonsense an' stop all the fightin' an' warrin' an' killin' an' abusin', I reckon that'd be a good use fer my super powers.

I'd be able t' persuade all o' the wife beaters an' child abusers t' quit their lowdown ways. I'd be able t' persuade all the vicious pitbulls t' be gentle as lambs. I'd persuade all the remembers o' parliment t' leave off worryin' 'bout pot smokers an' start in worryin' 'bout hungry kiddies here in Canadee an' all 'round the world. I'd persuade the rotten separatists in Q-beck an' Alberty that Canadee is the bestest country in the world an' they oughta pull together instead o' tryin' t' pull us apart.

I'd also persuade Catwoman to join a three-in-a-manger with Ma an' me.

Yores trooly,

Three Irishmen (song, audio)

Whooee! Well friends, when I posted up that mermaid song a couplafew days back, I sed I had anuther polytickle incorrect song I'd post up if there weren't too many complaints. In the comments, Ricky Barnes sed there weren't any complainta an' I reckon I oughta post up the ditty.

Click here fer the mp3 audio
. It's a shorty - only a minute long an' 629 KB.

Three Irishmen

Three Irishmen, three Irishmen, diggin' in a ditch,
One called the other a dirty son of a
Peter Piper had a dog, a dirty dog was he,
He gave it to his ladyfriend t' keep her company.
She fed it, she trained it, she taught it how t' jump,
It jumped right up her petticoat an' bit her on the
Country boys, country boys, sitting on a rock,
Along came a bumblebee an' stung 'em on the
Cocktails, ginger ale, five cents a glass,
If you don't like it, stick it up yer
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies,
If you get hit with a bucket o' shit,
Be sure an' close yer eyes.

(Audio version here.)

I hope I don't ruffle too many feathers with that there little tune.

Yores trooly,

Slow Boogin' - Here's Why

Whooee! Well friends, it's been some time since I done any boogin'. I been busy down t' the community centre here in my little burg an' I ain't had the time or energy fer writin' up boog stories. Our community centre troublems started way back in 1974 when Billy Davis was premier o' Ontariariario an' crammed regional gummint down our throats. That was when my little town got sorta erased offa the map an' we lost our town council, our police department, our PUC an' our town hall.

The local gummint moved t' the county seat an' my little town turned inta one o' many squabblin' burgs lookin' fer sum attention from the county. The new regional gummint numbnutses sed our community centre weren't needed no more an' they let it run t' rack an' ruin. Finally, they sed they wanted t' divest themselves o' the broken down buildin'. Sum good folks 'round town got together an' bought the old place from the county an' they raised up sum dough an' now they're fixin' up that old hulk of a place so's it can be a community centre like the town fathers wanted when they built it back in 1902.

I been puttin' in sum volunteer time scrapin' paint an' doin' other stuff like that an' that's why I ain't had time fer my little boog.

My boog readers ain't fergot 'bout me, though, an' a couple of 'em is eggin' me on t' post sum boogs. Ricky Barnes left a comment on my mermaid post that sez I oughtn't hold back on my postin' up a audio boog o' my little schoolyard ditty 'bout Three Irishmen. I'll do that as soon as I get me a chance. Timmy the G over t' Voice in the Widerness wants t' know what sorta super hero I'd like t' be. I'll get sumpin' posted up on that purty soon, too.

Thankee fer the kicks in the ass, RickFeller an' TimFeller. Keep yer eyes an' ears peeled fer sum JimBobby pearls o' wisdom.

Yores trooly,

Friday, August 19, 2005

A Clean Song

Whooee! Well friends, I ain't got much t' write 'bout today. I been out scrapin' paint an' puttyin' up sum holes an' cracks an' even doin' a little bit o' paintin'. I ain't had much time fer follerin' the news or fer boogin'. I'm gonna cheat a little bit an' pass along a funny song I jest stole usin' Kazaa. I posted up the audio mp3 but if anybuddy like Pete Seeger sez they're gonna sue my ass, I'll hafta pull it back down.

Click here fer the audio mp3 (2,078 kb) o' Pete Seeger singin' Oscar Brand's bawdy sea ballad, A Clean Song.

Here's the lyricks:

mermaidSMThere was a young sailor
Who looked through the glass,
And spied a fair mermaid
With scales on her island

Where seagulls
Fly over their nests
She combed the long hair
That hung over her shoulders

And caused her
To tickle and itch.
The sailor cried out
"There's a beautiful mermaid,"

A-sitting out
There on the rocks,
The crew came around
A-grabbing their glasses

And crowded four deep
To the rail,
All eager to share
In this fine piece of news.

Which the captain soon
Heard from the watch.
He tied down the wheel
And he reached for his crackers

And cheese which
He kept near the door.
In case he might someday
Encounter a mermaid.

He knew he must
Use all his wits
Crying "Throw out a line.
We'll lasso her flippers."

And then we will
Certainly find
If mermaids are better
Before or be brave

My good fellows."
The captain then said.
"With fortune we'll break
Through her mermaiden head-

-ing to starboard
They tacked with dispatch.
And caught that fair mermaid
Just under her elbows

And hustled her
Down below decks,
And each took a turn
At her feminine setting

Her free at the end
Of the farce,
She splashed in the waves,
Falling flat on her after

A while one man
Noticed some scabs,
Soon they broke out with the pox
And the scratching

With fury,
Cursing with spleen,
This song may be dull
But it's certainly clean.
What a laff! I got one sorta like that one that starts out "Three Irishmen, three Irishmen, diggin' in a ditch..."

If I don't get too many complaints fer postin' up this here polytickle incorrect mermaid song, mebbe I'll record the Three Irishmen an' post it up fer yer lissenin' pleasure.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Gumner General Jean

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I see there's a bigass showdown loomin' in Canadee all 'bout this here Michaelle Jean who Fartin' Martin picked fer the next gumner general t' take over from ol' General Clarkson. The rotten bastard BlocHead separatists in Q-beck is sayin' Mme. Jean is one o' their own - or at least she was one o' their own an' mebbe she's still a separatist an' mebbe she ain't.

I ain't been able t' work up much steam over this here gumner general shitstorm. I'm against the whole idee o' havin' a representative o' Queen Liz o' Merrie Olde Englande sittin' on a throne here in Canadee. Crimony sakes, ain't we pergressed past the point where we think we oughta bow an' scrape before sum dang bluebloods?

The Queen an' her brood o' inbred younguns oughta be content rulin' the roost over in LimeyLand an' leave Canadee fer Canajuns. We don't need any bonnie princes an' leotard-wearin' lords an' ladies an' dandy dukes lookin' down their snootytoot noses at regular red-blooded Canajuns.

I ain't sure whether or not Michaelle Jean's suited fer the job o' rulin' over Canajuns as the righthand arm o' the Queen o' Canadee. What I am sure 'bout is that the idee o' royalty an' bluebloods is sumpin' we should left off with a hunnert years ago.

I reckon Canajuns oughta have sumbuddy in their corner boostin' up the arts an' culture an' all like ol' General Adrienne's been doin'. I jest don't reckon that oughta have nuthin' t' do with bluebloods an' us bein' subjects o' the Queen o' Merrie Olde Englande. We could have us sum sorta cultural ambassador without the danged ol' queen gettin' in on the act.

One thing I will say is it looks like ol' Fartin' Martin might not o' done his homework when he picked out this here Q-beck gal fer gumner general. I'd o' thought they'd know all this stuff ahead o' time an' then mebbe they'd pick sumbuddy like David Suzuki or Wayne Gretzky or Alex Trebec or William Shatner or Jann Arden or Anne Murray or my dog Spot. I will say ol' Michaelle's better lookin' than any o' them... 'cept fer Spot.

Yores trooly,

Ol' Spot an' the War on Squirrels

Whooee! Well friends, in a comment t' my last boog story, Ricky Barnes asked 'bout ol' Spot an' my War on Squirrels so I reckon I'll bring everybuddy up t' date.

Ol' SpotOl' Spot's doin' dandy. As sum of you might recall, ol' Spot's really not too old. He ain't 2 years old yet an' he's still learnin' lotsa stuff. Him bein' a border collie makes him among the smartypants dogs o' the world an' he's showin' it not bad. Lately, I been workin' on gettin' the little feller t' stick near me when we's out walkin' in the football field an' there's other folks 'round.

He's a sheepherdin' breed an' he likes chasin' stuff like bikes an' jeeps an' 18 wheelers an' garbage trucks an' snow plows an' moms pushin' baby strollers an' ol' gals with walkers an' old boys drivin' mobility carts. I figger he's tryin' t' herd alla them things together when he lights out an' runs circles 'round 'em. He's startin' t' catch on that he can't chase after every movin' thing he sees.

The soybean field where Spot got walked last year got planted in corn this year. Cornfields ain't good dog walkin' grounds like beanfields is. If ol' Spot gets chasin' a rabbit or groundhog through that there corn, he's likely t' get all cut up. On accounta that, ol' Spot gets his walks over t' the ball park this summer.

As fer the damn squirrels, they been stickin' t' the outdoors an' I ain't had any o' the varmints scrabblin' 'round in my attic an' walls, lately. Fall's comin', though, an' spring an' fall's when they seem t' invade. We had a danged ol' raccoon up in the attic an' Ma give up on my manly abilities t' rid our house an' home o' vermin. She called in sum expert feller who looked jest like Dalton Ginty an' he went in the attic an' did sum voodoo incantations an' sprinkled sum magic potions an' powders all 'round. He charged a arm an' a leg but Ma sed she figgered it was best an' Ma's right more often'n me.

Ol' Spot sez he wants t' go over t' the park an' chase the ball fer a spell so here we go.

Yores trooly,

Friday, August 12, 2005

Kinsella, Eat Yer Heart Out

Whooee! Time flies when yer havin' fun, sez I. Back on February the 10th, I started up this little boog. I reckon it's mostly been fun an' I met sum good fellers an' gals an' a couplafew dumbasses. I don't reckon I'm what anybuddy'd call a bigtime booger, yet, but I'm still boogin'.

Back on February the 13th, I posted up a boog story called Canajun Boogers at War an' that's when I got my very first comment at JimBobby Sez. The firstest comment I ever got here was from a bigtime booger an' a one-time Liberal Prince o' Darkness, Warn Kinsellerfeller.

Here's what ol' Warrin' sed --
Fuck, man. That stuff must be hard to write. If it's hard to read, it must be harder to write.

I predict you won't last six months, but I'm notoriously pessimistic!


Now, I ain't gonna bitch that the very first word o' the very first comment I ever got was "Fuck". If I had my d'ruthers, there'd be a few words I'd'ruther not see on my boog but I'm a free speech advocate an' Warn weren't doin' any slanderin' or puttin' me inta legal jeopardy by usin' the f-word.

The meat an' bones o' Kinsellerfeller's comment was 'bout my way o' writin' an' he was right as rain 'bout it bein' hard t' write this way. When I was a jest-startin'-out booger, him sayin' I wouldn't last six months was sorta like he was throwin' down the gauntlet.

N'ya, n'ya, n'ya , n'ya, nya-n'ya, WarrenBoy. It's been jest over six months an' I'm still boogin' t' beat the band.

I reckon I owe Kinsellerfeller a big thankee, though. There's been a time or two when I thought 'bout throwin' in the boogin' towel but whenever that happened, I thought 'bout the very firstest comment t' my boog an' 'bout ol' WarrenFeller an' I dragged my sorry ass up t' the keyboard an' hammered out a rantin' ravin' boog story.

Thankee fer the kick in the ass, Kinsella.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Canajun Boogers at War, again

Whooee! Well friends, there's a bigass dustup goin' on in the Canajun boogeysphere concernin' site hackin', comment filterin' an' lyin' boogers who won't come clean. Ol' JayFeller CurryPowder's a conservative feller who's havin' hisself a boog fight with Brent ColdBert who's also a conservative. BrentFeller's takin' it on the chin from anuther conservative feller, Ian Scott. Both JayFeller an' IanFeller got purty good evidence that ColdBert is jivin' 'em with weasel lies.

I've had my own troublems with lyin' boogers who won't come clean so I know what JayFeller an' Ian is goin' through. Over t' that boog, the AdminFeller sed --
"Listen folks, Jim Bobby is free to post here; he wasn’t banned. The reason some of his comments were not visible in this thread is because he does seem to be able to write proper English (or any language for that matter) and his posts are often riddled with foul language. These two factors lead to our spam comment filter to filter his nearly unreadable comments out."
Well, that can't possibly be true, sez I.

If my comments is gettin' filtered out automatically, how is it that commenters who copy an' paste bigass direct quotes from my comments still get publicated? If that spam filter's kickin' my comments out, how come it ain't kickin' comments that quote the full text o' my comments? The lyin' snakes'll come up with anuther lie t' explain their bias an' dishonesty but nobuddy'll buy that any more than they're buyin' the horsepuckey bein' spewed by ColdBert.

Ol' TedwardT's got hisself a good boog post up 'bout this ColdBert thingy. Karaoke Night In Blogland: Brent Colbert Does The Beatles. It's a laff, no two ways.

JameseyBoy Bow's boogin' on this here dustup, too. Right Down the Memory Hole.

Yores trooly,

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Questions for Alien Albert Separatists

Whooee! Well, I was jest over t' DarceFeller's boog, Dust My Broom, where he's boogin' 'bout a 'pinion pool publicated by ol' Ezra Levant. 'Cordin' t' that there pool, there's a whole lot more Alberty separatists than anybuddy ever dreamed. I left me a bigass comment over there an' everybuddy knows I'm a lazyass in the typewritin' department, so I'm pastin' most o' that comment inta this here boog story.

One thing Darcy sed was — “... stand up for Canada before there is nothing left to stand up for.”

I reckon that's what I'm doin'.

In Darce's comments, the same folks agitatin' fer separatism is also backin' Stevie Harpoon an' the CPC. That gets me wonderin’ sumpin’. If the separatists is backin’ the CPC. Is the CPC a federalist, national party or is it an Alberta separatist party. I don’t reckon anybuddy outside o’ Alberty’d wanna vote fer an Alberty separatist so how can anybuddy blame Ontario fer not votin’ fer Harpoon?

When the damn separatists in Q-beck agitate, it’s all ’bout culture an’ language an’ such. When the AlienAlberts agitate, it’s all ’bout money. Money. Money. Money. There’s sum greedy bastards who can’t think o’ nuthin’ else an’ are willin’ t’ sell their patriotism t’ the highest bidder.

If the Alberty separatists was fightin’ fer culture, they might be worthy o’ sum respect. When they’re jest lookin’ fer more bucks in their pockets, they get pitied an’ scorned like the prostitutes they are.

Jest suppose these numbnutses could ever convince enuff Alberty voters t’ separate –

- Is the sovereign nation of Alberty gonna print it’s own money? Any idee on how the Alberty dollar’ll do on the world money markets?

- Is Alberty gonna build up it’s own military? How’re the Merkins gonna react to a new national army on its border?

- Will every border crossin’ be like Windsor/Detroit or Ft. Erie/Buffalo? How much will it cost t' build all them checkpoints an' hire all o' them border guards?

- How ’bout tariffs an’ import-export duties? Nafta? Cafta?

- Is the sovereign nation of Alberty gonna accept immigrants from Sasky or Newfie or Montana? Is Canadee gonna accept immigrants from Alberty?

- Is Alberty gonna send a ambassador t’ the UN? How ’bout diplomats fer all the countries in the world? Got that in the budget?

- How’s Alberty gonna do tradin’ on the world markets when she’s a landlocked nation with a population of 'bout 3 million?

- How ’bout all the existin’ federal real estate like post office buildin’s an’ army camps? Is Alberty plannin’ t’ buy them from TROC or do they reckon we’ll jest hand ‘em over fer free?

- How ’bout all o’ the federal gummint employees workin’ in Alberty? Is Alberty gonna give ‘em all jobs?

- How ’bout the First Nations? Is Alberty gonna honour treaties signed by Canajuns? What if the First Nations wanna separate from Alberty?

- What about the patriotic federalist Alberts who vote “No” in a referendumb? Do they get Alberty cityzenship or do they get deported t’ Canadee? Is 50% +1 enuff t’ separate? How’s the new nation gonna fare if 49% don’t wanna new nation?

- How ’bout the Canadee Pension Plan? Anybuddy reckon Canadee’ll wanna finance pensions in sum new foreign country?

- How ’bout the “stoopid” charter o’ rights Ezra an’ his bunch don’t like? Will the cityzens o’ Alberty know whether they get any rights before they vote t’ break up our home an’ native land?

In 50 years or so, after the oil’s gone or scarce an' after the world’s figgered out how t’ run cars an’ generate electricity from alternate fuels an’ after a few more mad cow incidents kill the beef market, is Alberty gonna come beggin’ Canadee t’ let ‘er back in?

My ol’ Pappy useta say — “Don’t cut off yer nose t’ spite yer face.” I reckon sum Alien Alberts might wanna take a damn good look before they leap.

Yores trooly,

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

There is a House in Ottawa (song, audio)

Whooee! Well, I know I booged 'bout Fartin' Martin an' the senate earlier on. but that there undemocratic, unelected senate gets under my skin so I wrote me a little song. My song's 'bout the upper house o' parliment an' it's set t' the tune 'bout anuther house o' ill repute called the House of the Rising Sun.

I made up a audio recordin' fer yer lissenin' pleasure. It's 'specially mournful soundin' an' like always, I'm all capella-like without any banjo-pickin' or cordeen playin' or nuthin'.

Click right here fer the mp3 audio.
The House in Ottawa

There is a house in Ottawa,
Called the senate o' Canadee,
An' it's been the gravy train for many a fat cat,
Now five more are ridin' free.

Pryminister Fartin' Martin frets
'Bout the deficit in democracy,
But thanks to him the unelected house
Has five more ridin' free.

Now, we got Senator Larry Campbell,
Better known as DaVinci,
The coroner mayor o' Vancouver town,
Is one more ridin' free.

An' Senator Hughey Segal,
Lyin' Brian'd be happy to see,
There's gravy train seats for Red Tories, now,
An' Segal's ridin' free.

Martin's a sly one, there ain't no doubt,
With one stone he took out three,
Female, French and Conservative, too,
Champagne is ridin' free.

A couple more Liberal buddy boys
Bagman Zimmer an' Dawson, MP.
Hopped aboard the gravy train,
Where there's five more ridin' free.

Now, mothers, tell your children,
T' fight for democracy.
An unelected upper house just ain't right,
Where Senators ride for free.
An' I gotta thank Johnny Fewings, the cartoon drawin' feller, fer lettin' me post my mp3 audio boogs up ont' his website space. Thankee again, JohnFeller.

Yores trooly,

Harpoon: 1, Fartin' Martin: minus 5

Whooee! Most times when I got sumpin' t' say 'bout Stevie Harpoon it ain't good. But, dang it, I like givin' credit where credit's due. I seen a story that sez the HarpoonTossers has got'n idee fer helpin' out the folks who ride the bus an' the subway an' mebbe the GO train. I reckon the Big-C's come up with a not bad idee.

Now the way I hear tell, Harper wants t' give back sum tax money t' fellers an' gals who don't drive cars or SUV's t' work an' ride the transit instead. Well sir, anything that gets a few chokin' smokin' autymobiles offa the road is good fer Canadee, sez I. We're killin' our stoopid selves with poison air pollution an' Harpoon's tax rebate idee can't hurt.

I seen a coupla other fellers talkin' on this an one feller asked 'bout the pore folks who ride the bus but don't pay much tax. That does make fer a small troublem with Harpoon's idee but I reckon them smartypantses at CCRA could figger out sum sorta tax credit an' give sum dough t' the pore fellers an' gals who ride the subway on accounta they can't afford t' drive a SUV.

I reckon the simplest thing'd be jest t' give money t' the transit outfits so's they could cut the cost of a ticket down an' sum folks'd have enuff left over fer a cup o' Horton's on the way t' work. But I reckon Harpoon's got an easier job sellin' tax cuts than he'd get sellin' a bigger subsidy t' the TTC. Smart polyticks.

Now, the other feller flippin' burgers in Canadee this Summer is Pryminister Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin. Ol' Fartin' Martin jest appointed 5 new senators t' the Canajun Senate. A few days ago, I give Harpoon shit fer floggin' a dead horse in the selfsame sexy marryin' department. Well, Martin's floggin' a dead horse by addin' t' the roster o' senators.

I sed one other time I reckon the upper house senate's a gravy train polytickle patronage retirement home fer friends o' pryministers. I also come out fer reform an' Triple-E don't scare me none. Polly Boy oughtn't be feedin' the pot, sez I.

It don't matter t' me if Fartin' Martin appointed a coupla Conservatives or if he appointed sum First Nations or if he appointed Domenic DaVinci or my Aunt Nelly. The dang senate's a undemocratic, useless throwback t' the days o' royal pain in the ass bluebloods. We don't need no unelected ol' farts settin' up in Ottywa takin' fatass salaries fer doin' diddly-squat.

The GritFellers oughta either reform the senate or lose it, altogether. Don't keep handin' out polyticle plums t' yer buddies. That's a tradition that shoulda wore out 50 years ago.

Yores trooly,

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Alien Alberts - Patriotic Prostitutes with a Persecution Complex

Whooee! A couplafew days ago, I wrote up a boog story 'bout the Alien Alberts Trash Talkin' Canada. Most o' the comments I got so far is from patriotic federalist Canajuns who love Canadee an' know that the Alien Alberts is dumbasses. But I gotta real live Alien Albert commented, too. That was a feller name o' Peter Rempel an' he's got his own boog called The Politic where he posted up a boog story makin' false accusations against me.

Now, ol' Peter seems t' have banned JimBobby from makin' comments on his boog. I never sed nuthin' that I reckon oughta get me blocked out but I s'pose I oughta expect dirty pool from a prostitute. Yeow! Did I jest say Peter Rempel an' all the Alien Alberts is whores? Yer damn right, I did.

Here's how I figger it. Them Alberty separatists has got jest one thing on their mind -- money. They're sellin' their patriotism t' the highest bidder an' they figger that's Alberty an' not Canadee. Whores, plain an' simple.

I'm all fer Alberty, don't get me wrong. It's part of Canadee an' I'm all fer Canadee. The Alien Alberts is a small fringe out in Alberty, where most o' the good folks is patriotic Canajuns who love this great home an' native land.

One o' them Alberty separatist whores commented over t' Pete's boog an' sed --

Hugo Says:
July 31st, 2005 at 7:45 am

“Bein’ able t’ say yer part of a big an’ beautiful home an’ native land oughta be benefit enuff. Bein’ free t’ live an’ work anywheres from St. John’s t’ Victoria oughta be benefit enuff.”

So a sovereign Alberta would not be able to say their country was big and beautiful? Since both size and beauty are subjective, that is logically impossible. Are you also saying that Alberta would place restrictions on the freedom to be employed where you want? Given the current trends in attitude of each province I find it very hard to believe that Albertans would be more inclined to social engineering than Ontarians.

“Freedom, equality an’ democracy are the benefits I want”

A pity you don’t have any of them. Freedom? You are denied the freedom to do what you want with your own money, property and body. Equality? Paul Martin can take your money at will. Can you take his? Democracy? Were you watching the same Parliament as the rest of us?

Since I can't answer Hugo over t' Pete's anti-free speech zone, I'll post up my answers here.

HugoFeller, Canadee is bigger an' more beautiful than Alberta. Since Canadee includes Alberty, it's logically at least as big an' as beautiful. But, you dumbass, since Canadee includes a lot more than jest Alberty, it's bigger an' more beautiful than Alberty is all by its lonesome. Shee-it! You stoopid or sumpin'? That's jest simple logic.

You figger an independent Alberty can give you the right t' live an' work from St. John's t' Victoria? Alberty might allow you to move around in Alberty. If yer talkin' 'bout an independent country, they can't give you the freedom t' work in another country.

My Canadee is the second-biggest country on the planet Earth. My Canadee goes from Cape Spear all the way west t' the Pacific Ocean an' up north t' the Arctic wastelands. I'm against anybuddy tryin' t' break up this country. So are almost all Canajuns. The dumbass Alberty separatists is trick-turnin' floozies out on the fringes o' decent society.

I don't hate 'em, though, like Pete sez in his lyin' boog title. I feel sorry fer 'em. Money's all that matters an' they ain't learned 'bout lovin' their home an' native land. I feel sorry fer 'em on accounta they can't see past their wallets an' notice the rich diversity o' Canadee. They're throwbacks to a tribal existence where strangers are shunned an' feared an' the tribe huddles together in its cave frettin' 'bout the evil outsiders takin' their grub.

Prehistoric prostitutes practicin' the world's oldest profession. Pitiful.

Freedom? You Alien Alberts got the right t' talk treason an' bad mouth yer homeland. That's sumpin' you can thank Canadee fer. Sum countries'll lock up yer sorryass fer such treachery. Others'll give you the death penalty. Canadee gives you the right t' say what you want an' agitate fer separatism. Fer Hugo, though, freedom is all 'bout money.

Equality? The selfsame sexy marryin' law's a good example. Once again, Hugo only talks about money. Havin' more money in yer greedy pocket's got nuthin' t' do with equality.

Democracy? Yeah, I been watchin' parliment. Look at my boog stories where I write about it all the time. Parliment ain't as democratic as it could be if we had us that there proportional representation I been readin' about. It ain't all bad, though. In the last election vote, more'n 50% o' Canajuns voted fer either the Grits or the NDP. They're runnin' the show. 29% voted fer the HarpoonTossers. They're tryin' t' run the show but, since they don't represent the majority, they're havin' a tuff time runnin' things. I'd call that democracy.

If the Alien Alberts is interested in a cyberclash o' cultures, bring 'em on. Everything they stand fer boils down t' greed. There ain't much t' fear from patriotic prostitutes with a persecution complex.

Yores trooly,

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Marijuana: Gateway Drug for U.S. Lawmen in Canada

Whooee! Dang it! I'm pissed off. I seen this on the Lloyd Robertson TV News Show last night an' I jest read all 'bout it on the CTV.ca. I also seen a CP story in the Yahoo News. The dang Merkins has got Canajun lawmen jumpin' t' their orders an' enforcin' Merkin laws right here in Canadee. The Merkin DEA is gettin' coast t' coast cooperation from Canajun coppers an' they arrested the leader o' the B.C. Marijuana Party.

Now, mebbe yer not a pot smoker an' mebbe you don't figger it makes any difference t' you if the Merkins got Canajun coppers enforcing Merkin laws on Canajun soil. It brings t' mind an' ol' protest song by Phil Ochs called A Small Circle of Friends. Here's a verse --

Smoking marijuana is more fun than drinking beer,
But a friend of ours was captured and they gave him thirty years.
Maybe we should raise our voices, ask somebody why,
But demonstrations are a drag, besides, we're much too high,
And I'm sure it wouldn't interest anybody
Outside of a small circle of friends.

These anti-pot numbnutses is always sayin' pot is a gateway drug. By that, I take 'em t' mean they figger if yer smokin' reefer, it's a gateway t' movin' up t' crack or smack. Gateway, schmateway. JimBobby sez -- bullshit. I been tokin' fer more years'n some o' my boog readers been alive. I ain't had the urge t' jab a needle in my arm, yet. The fellers I bought my pot from over the past couple decades never once asked if I wanted sum heroin or coke.

But I reckon the "gateway" thing is true in one respect. When Canajun lawmen start workin' on the orders o' the Merkins, they're openin' up a gateway. That gateway is lettin' more'n' more Merkin laws affect Canajuns right inside Canadee. If Canadee's gonna turn inta the 51st state, it shouldn't oughta be the coppers who hand over sovereignty t' the Yanks. I don't remember any referendumb askin' if I wanted t' be ruled by the Merkins.

Bustin' pot dealers is the tip o' the iceberg. They got the Canajuns handin' over the passenger lists on non-stop airplane rides from Trawna t' Vancouver jest on accounta that there airplane flies over sum Merkin territory on its way. The Merkin Department o' Homeland Security jest set up an' office in Trawna, too.

If the Merkins start enforcin' the U.S. Patriot Act here in Canadee, the Canajun boogeysphere's in fer troublems, no two ways. I reckon they could haul my sorry ass off without layin' any charges or settin' any trial date jest fer the anti-Merkin stuff I wrote in this here boog story. If yer thinkin' that couldn't happen, jest ask the 3 pore bastards the Canajun police is holdin' in custody on Merkin orders.

Yores trooly,

Thursday, July 28, 2005

AlienAlberts Trash Talkin' Canada

Whooee! Well, friends, everybuddy knows ol' JimBobby is a lazyass when it comes t' typewritin'. I jest posted up a comment over t' BoogsCanadee an' now I'm copyin' most o' that there comment here on my own little boog. This here WSAMmy feller wrote up a boog story all 'bout the New York Times feller, Paul Krugman, who sez the Merkins lost out t' us Canajuns on this here new Toyotee plant deal on accounta we got publick healthcare an' we're better educated.

A coupla numbnutses over there at the Egroup sez it ain't no big deal an' one of 'em sed they thought Canajuns oughtn't make fun o' the pore illiterate black folks who make up a big part o' 'Bama's workin' force. I don't reckon wSammy was makin' fun. Neither was Krugman. The two fellers who sounded like they don't like us fellers in Ontariariario so much as they like the Merkins was a coupla AlienAlberts name o' Anonologue an' TorieRuffnek. They're a coupla dumbasses, sez I.

Here's most o' what I sed over there ---

I sure din't see wSammy makin' fun o' the pore illiterate 'BamaBoys. Anonologue sounds like he's sayin' black folks ain't as smart as white folks. Is that what yer thinkin', AnonnyFeller? Was it racism that drove Toyotee t' Canadee?

I reckon mebbe I'm the onliest one yappin' here who's even been t' Alabama. The way sum o' these idjits talk, you'd think they was talkin' 'bout Biafra or Bangladesh instead o' 'Bama.

The big boys in Detroit sed a few times they like operatin' in Canadee on accounta the publick healthcare. Providin' insurance fer factory fellers an' gals is a bigass expense in Merka but not in Canadee. When the 'Bama boys offered a heap more dough fer Toyotee t' set up shop there instead o' here, that din't offset the high cost o' insurance.

If the pore blacks in 'Bama is illiterate an' ignorant, who do you reckon is t' blame? The segregationist right-wing crackers who ran the Merkin southland fer a coupla centuries, that's who. They pushed their black folks inta poverty an' illiteracy an' now they're payin' the price fer a few hunnert years o' racism.

I been t' Alabam a coupla times. I talked t' sum 'Bama boys. I stayed in their hotels an' ate at their restaurants. It ain't the third world, you numbnutses. It's part o' the Benighted States o' Merka, richest an' most powerful country in the whole ding-dong world.

Canajuns pay more taxes than 'Bamans. Fer doin' that, we get us a decent education an' publick healthcare. We also get sum factories built here instead o' there. The Canajun investment inta education an' healthcare paid off an' tryin' t' say it was a tiny victory sounds like yer wishin' it was yer Merkin buddies who got jobs instead o' yer Ontariariarian naybers an' feller countrymen.

Who you rootin' fer, Anon. an' Torie, the Merkins or the Canajuns? Sounds t' me like yer backin' up the Merkins an' runnin' down our great home an' native land.

When yer runnin' down my country boys, yer walkin' on the fightin' side o' me.

If you Alien Alberts wanna quit Canadee, get busy buildin' up yer stoopid-ass Alberta Separatist Party an' try holdin' a dumbass referendum an' see how far you get. Not far, I betcha. Most Canajuns is proud an' happy t' be Canajuns. Most Canajuns is glad when they see a bigass ferrin outfit like Toyotee investin' in Canadee an' buildin' a plant where 1500 Canajuns is gonna get good jobs. Why ain't you?

Yores trooly,

Sunday, July 24, 2005

What Kind o' Bird is This?

Whooee! Ma was workin' out in the garden an' she come in an' fetched me t' look at this here yellow bird that was hopping 'round the driveway an' eatin' seeds offa sum purple flowers Ma's got growing alongside the laneway.
Here's a pitcher o' the bird --


Here's another pitcher with the hose nozzle in there so you can see how big it is. I reckon it's bigger'n any goldfinches.

I'm thinkin' it was somebuddy's pet canary that flew the coop. It was hardly afraid o' Ma an' me an' we almost was able t' catch it with our bare hands. In the end, it flew off.

Anybuddy think it was sumpin' other'n a pet canary? Mebbe it was sum rare wild bird got steered off course with all o' this here hot weather we got.

Yores trooly,

Gourdstock Nation

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, yesterday Ma sez t' me -- "Wanna go t' Gourdstock?" I got me a cuzzin name o' Gord an' I know a few other fellers name o' Gord. I wasn't sure what in the hell Gourdstock was an' I wondered if it might be only fer fellers name o' Gord. Turns out it was all 'bout them gourds that's sorta like punkins 'cept I don't reckon yer gonna be able t' make any pies outta them there hard-shell gourds.

Whenever I see gourds in the groceteria, they're always little wee tiny things where you can put a whole whack of 'em in a wooden bowl. At Gourdstock, they had great huge gourds an' they made all sortsa purty stuff out of 'em. Here's a pitcher of a booth where they was sellin' banjos an' git-fiddles made outta gourds. The feller was doin' sum strummin', too, an' he weren't haff bad.

Gourdstock - Banjo Man

Ma plays the mandolin an' I thought mebbe she'd like t' try a gourd banjo but she din't like the idee o' no frets on the fingerboards.

They had lotsa fancy painted an' decorated up gourds on display an' they had prize ribbons on them that was the bestest ones. Sum folks sure got lotsa patience an' talent fer turnin' an ol' gourd inta a work of art, no two ways.

They was servin' up burgers an' other food an' the whole place was filled up with a coupla hunnert ol' hippies. One feller who was sellin' decorated gourds an' hookahs made o' gourds an' little stash boxes made o' gourds had a sign on the wall o' his tent that sed he donates a portion o' his takin's t' NORML.

They had entertainment there, too. Out on the grass, they had sum hula dancers doin' sum Hawaiian moves. I think them dancers come all the way from Trawna (centre o' the universe) t' perform at Gourdstock. Here's a pitcher I took o' them purty gals shakin' their gourds.


They was also puttin' on demonstrations 'bout doin' crafty stuff with gourds. Here's a pitcher.


I reckon there was sum other Trawna folks come all the way down t' Bealton fer Gourdstock. Out in the parkin' field, I seen a Toyotee Prius. We ain't got any o' them in my little town, yet, an' this one I seen had a sign on it sed AutoShare.com. I reckon that's sum city-fellers' scheme.

Ma an' I had us a little chat with the feller who started up Gourdstock. He was a nice feller, no two ways. I gotta give'm credit where credit's due fer puttin' on such a dandy show. I din't catch his name but I wanna give'm a pat on the back anyways. Ma an' I'll be back fer next year's Gourdstock.

Yores trooly,

Friday, July 22, 2005

Hot Branding News

Whooee! Well, if yer up on the latest lingo in the advertisin' an' marketin' world, you probbly heard the word "branding" tossed around a lot. When these here web marketin' gurus is spoutin' off, they'll usually blather on a bit 'bout the importance o' good brandin'. I reckon they're talkin' 'bout gettin' folks t' recognize yer logo an' trademark an' company slogan. Stuff like that.

So today, I come across two different stories in the news 'bout brandin' an' neither one has t' do with marketin' yer brand in the advertisin' sense. Both stories is about burnin' hot iron pressed inta flesh like back in the old west when Rowdy Yates an' Gil Favor was drivin' big ol' herds 'cross the open range.

The first story I come across was on the CBC where they're tellin' 'bout a new rule sez if Canajun sheep ranchers wanna export their sheep an' lambs over t' the Merkins, they gotta brand the pore little critters with a red hot brandin' iron. Yeow! That's gonna hurt. Here's a wee bit from that there CBC story --
"When you're talking about branding cattle for export to the States, you're usually talking about an animal that's 800 to 900 pounds," he said.

"We're talking about lambs here that are 80 to 90 pounds, and to put a large brand on a small lamb would just be cruel."

In Canada, sheep are identified by ear tags, a system the Americans don't recognize.

Morvik said that in addition to the cruelty issue, branding a lamb means shaving off valuable wool. It would also ruin the skin, which is used in leather products.

I sure as hell don't like the sounds o' that sort o' brandin'.

Jest after I got through readin' that sheep story, I come across a story 'bout a gal down in New York City who got branded with the name o' the electric company Consolidated Edison. Turns out the gal was skateboardin' an' she fell on to a manhole cover an' that there manhole cover was pipin' hot an' it burned a brand on to her jest above her ass an' also on her arm. I guess she's suin' the ass off o' Con Ed.

Yores trooly,

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Senate Supports Selfsame Sexy Marryin' (poem)

Whooee! Well, regular readers'll mebbe remember that I ain't got much use fer the retirement home fer friends o' pryministers we call the Canajun Senate. No matter what I think, the senate hasta sign off on any laws getting passed by the remembers o' the commonhouse. Well, them senators did their job an passed bill C-38, the selfsame sexy marryin' law.

In honour o' the occasion, I wrote up a little wee poem.

Ode to C-38

Go fill up yer teacups an' all gather 'round.
I'll tell you about a fine day,
When the senators up there in Ottawa town,
Made it legal fer marryin' gay.

The debate it had raged fer more'n three years
And then they passed C-38,
Making it legal fer queers t' wed queers,
Now they don't hafta fornicate.

Most Canajun people is proud o' the fact
Equal rights was extended t' gays.
Soon Chambers o' Commerce'll get in the the act,
Lurin' tourists with Homo-Theme Days.

But off t' the right, there's a grumblin' sound,
From Conservative Stephen Harpoon.
He imagines himself in a gay weddin' gown,
An' it makes pore ol' Stevie Boy swoon.

Ol' Steve won't give up with his anti-gay fight.
If elected, that law he's revokin'.
More'n half o' Canajuns say that law is alright.
Steve feller, what are you smokin'?

The fight it's all over. Equal rights won.
Opponents should jest fade away.
Summer's the time fer weddin' day fun.
Now, some o' those weddin's are gay.

Way off in the future we'll talk of these days
An' laugh at ourselves an' our fears,
When some people thought that marryin' gays
Would turn the whole world inta queers.

Cowboy Steve Floggin' Dead Horses

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I jest seen a story 'bout Stevie Harpoon kissin' George W. Bush's ass down in Washington. Harper told Bushfeller a Big-C gummint in Canadee'd be keen on joinin' up with the Merkins on the Ballstick Missile Fence. In case anybuddy fergot, Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin sed sumpin' like that awhile back. Then, ol' Pryminister PollyBoy realized that most Canajuns is dead set against ballstick missiles an' he told ol' Dubya we weren't joinin' up.

Don't Harpoon unnerstand that if yer lookin' t' get elected, you gotta say stuff that most Canajuns are gonna agree with?

The Ballstick Missile Fence issue is a done deal - a dead horse. It's over. We ain't ridin' that pony. We're glad we ain't. We don't wanna saddle up an' ride that territory again -- 'specially on a dead horse.

Ballstick missiles ain't the only dead horse Cowboy Stevie's floggin'. The pinion pools is sayin' 55% o' Canajuns is happy as Larry with the selfsame sexy marryin' law that was jest passed. Harpoon sez he's gonna repeal that there piece o' pergressive legislation. Numbnuts!

Mebbe ol' SteveFeller can dress up like a cowboy an' look stoopid but that don't mean he oughta jump on one dead horse after another an' act stoopid, too.

Yores trooly,

Friday, July 15, 2005

Axe-grindin' in the Mainstreet Media

Whooee! I jest seen a boog story posted up by ol' Elvis over t' BoogsCanadee where he's yammerin' 'bout Macleans an' Polly Wolly Inkwells an' how the Macleans is all conservative accordin' t' a pergressive booger, Amazin' WonderPup. Well friends an' foes, I reckon ol' Inky Wells is anti-Fartin' Martin but he sez sum anti-Harpoon stuff, too. I don't reckon too many folks is lookin' fer middle-o'-the-road objectivity from the mainstreet media (MSM).

The Trawna (centre o' the universe) Star's Liberal. The Post's Conservative. The Globe used t' be Conservative but lately they been hedgin' their bets. CanWest GlowBall is like the National Poster Boys an' all o' them there Sun papers -- Conservative. Everybuddy sez the CBC is Liberal but I ain't exactly buyin' that on accounta the bigass job they done on reportin' all 'bout the AdScammers.

The part in ol' Elvis's boog story that's got ol' JimBobby chewin' nails an' fartin' tacks is where he tells 'bout all o' these here Canajun magazines gettin' bigass handouts from the gummint. The gummint's money is really all of our money. The gumment gets its money from Canajuns an' spends it like Canajuns want 'em to. Leastwise, that's how it's spose t' work.

Here's a big list of magazines that get handouts from the gummint.

Yeow! Chatelaine gets tons o' taxpayer luckybucks an so do a whole buncha other Canajun magazines. How come we're payin' good tax money t' outfits like all them there Jesus freak magazines? I din't figger the gummint was in the bizness o' givin' money t' churches an' 'vangelizers. Guess I was all wet.

Yores trooly,

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Pergressive Boogers

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, ol' JimBobby went an' signed up with the Pergressive Boogers. If you look over there on the righthand side down at the bottom you'll see a little Pergressive Boogers button. If you click on it, you'll get t' see sum other pergressive fellers' an' gals' boogs.

Now, I reckon mebbe sum o' my more conservative readers might take exception t' seein' a hick like me callin' hisself pergressive. Mebbe sum liberals might think the selfsame thing.

Here's how I figger it works.

You gotcher pergressives, yer regressives an' yer status quo's.

Status quo's like everything jest like it is. They're nice folks but they don't wanna hear 'bout any changes like endin' poverty an' war. They reckon we're doin' jest fine.

Regressives is hopin' things can get back t' the good ol' days when men was men an' there weren't any selfsame sexy marryin'; an' when Canadee was ruled by ol' Queen Vickie; an' when divorce was illegal an' wife-beatin' was legal. I reckon there's a few things that was better in the good ol' days but mostly I reckon them regressives who have a hankerin' fer things t' go backwards ain't thinkin' 'bout lots o' things that's better now. I can't throw my lot in with the regressives.

That leaves the pergressives. Well when yer a pergressive, yer lookin' fer change but the change yer lookin' fer is movin' ahead instead o' movin' backwards. I'm fer makin' things better an' movin' ahead. I figger that's what makes me a pergressive an' that there's why I joined up with the Pergressive Boogers.

Since I joined up, I seen a few new folks droppin' by an' I wanna offer up a heapin' helpin' o' hospitality. Come on over an' chew the fat any time.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Annie McLellan sez -- "The sky is fallin' "

Whooee! I jest seen a story in the Yahoo News where Canajun Publick Safety Minister Annie (Gonna Getchergun) McLellan sez Canajuns ain't pairynoid enuff. We ain't psychologically ready fer terrists t' blow stuff up here in our home an' native land. Shee-it! What's ol' AnnieGal thinkin'?

I reckon she thinks we Canajuns oughta be all suspicious an' terrorized like the pore Merkins is. Mebbe she figgers we oughta get us a red, orange an' yeller terrist warnin' system. Mebbe we oughta start keepin' track o' who reads what at the publick liberry. Mebbe we need t' start lookin' over our shoulders an' reportin' t' CSIS everytime we see a Arab talkin' t'another Arab. Mebbe we all oughta buy guns an' carry 'em around in the glove compartment.

Ol' Annie sez Canajuns ain't psyched up fer bein' killed when we're goin' about our own daily bizness. Who is? I can't see how anybuddy's sposed t' getted psyched fer havin' the subway bombed. Us bein' afraid ain't gonna stop terrists. If we're terrorized by jest the threat o' terrism, then them there terrists already won the first battle an' it's Annie McLellan who's wavin' the white flag.

When them there Londoners went out t' work on the day after them rotten sumbitches bombed them pore people, they showed they wasn't all terrorized with fear. Is anybuddy thinkin' them pore folks who died wouldn't o' died if they'd only been more psychologically prepared? I don't.

I'm all fer AnnieGal makin' sure we got good emergency fellers an' gals an' good communications in case sum bastards try t' terrorize Canajuns. I'm all fer the Minister o' Publick Safety makin' sure the publick is as safe as can be. I'm all fer checkin' fer bombs an' tryin' t' root out them who'd kill innocent Canajuns.

I ain't all fer fear-mongerin', though. When the bigass headline sez -- "Canadians not psychologically ready for threat of terror, McLellan says" -- I reckon she's barkin' up the wrong tree. Everybuddy knows they gotta expect the unexpected.

Most o' that there article ain't about Canajuns' psycho-readiness. It's mostly 'bout the emergency service folks gettin' their shit together. That don't have diddly t' do with the publick's psychology. Makin' sure emergency service folks got their shit together's Annie's job. Tryin' t' get Canajuns t' run around willy-nilly worryin' 'bout the sky fallin' down is the terrists' job.

Yores trooly,

Karl Rove, Beans Spiller

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I been readin' 'bout ol' GeorgieBoy Bushfeller's best buddy, Karl Rove, an' how ol' Karl's the prime suspect in the Valerie Plame affair. Yeow! If it turns out t' be true, mebbe ol' Karl'll end up in the hoose-cow. Sure as shit, he oughta be out of a job.

In case anybuddy fergot, Valerie Plame is the wifemate of a Merkin dipplymat name o' Joseph Wilson. ValerieGal's also a secret agent workin' fer the CIA. Joe Wilsonfeller come out an' sed Dubya was full o' horsepuckey 'bout Ben Laden's crew tryin' t' get hold o' sum uranium in Africa. Right after that, sum bigtime mainstreet media fellers an' gals got word 'bout Mrs. Wilson bein' a secret agent. They sed the leak come outta the White House but Ol' Dubya's PR boy, Scottie McClellan sed that weren't so an' Dubya weren't gonna tolerate no leakin' outta the White House.

So now, they got it pretty well nailed down who the leaker was an' it looks like it was ol' Rovefeller hisself who done the dirty deed.

I reckon the onliest thing Bushfeller can do is t' fire his buddyboy an' have'm charged with revealin' state secrets. He oughta go t' jail fer a coupla hunnert years. Mebbe they'll send the sumbitch t' Gitmo. Probbly, they'll try t' let the snake slither away.

I figger everybuddy oughta be payin' close attention t' what happens next so's we can see which one Dubya loves best - his home an' native land or a polytickal puppeteer who puts polyticks over top o' state security.

Yores trooly,

Friday, July 08, 2005

Sumbitch Bombers

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, ol' JimBobby's blood's a-boilin'. Them sumbitches who blowed up them trains an' that there bus in Merrie Olde Englande got me pissed off, no two ways. Craven coward killers is what they are. Or "was" mebbe, if they was suicide bombers.

I hear tell they found a coupla other bombs that din't go off. I hope that's true on accounta that's how they caught sum o' them rotten bastards in Spain. They found themselves a dud bomb an' it had a cell phone trigger an' the dumbass who used it left all sortsa stuff in there.

Suicide bombers is sumpin' that I can't hardly unnerstand. I reckon that's true fer most folks -- includin' the folks who's in charge o' stoppin' terrism. I wonder if the big generals in this here War on Terror are tryin' t' unnerstand what's goin' on inside o' the heads o' these here suicide bombers an' also the puppetmasters who put 'em up to it. The puppetmasters is easier t' figger out on accounta them suicide bombers is willin' martyrs fer their cause an' human weapons. It's the bombers themselves that I can't figger out.

When we hear about these here suicide bombers (yeow! let's call 'em SB's. I'm gettin' tired o' typin' .) Anyway, when we hear 'bout these here SB sumbitches, I reckon most folks jest think they gotta screw loose an' that's what makes 'em willin' to blow up their own selfs an' kill a bunch o' innocent civvies at the selfsame time. Mebbe they do have screws loose but, dang it, they're organized an' crafty sumbitches an' they do their killin' in the name o' sumpin'.

Like ol' BillyBoy Shakespeare sed, there's too much method fer it all t' be madness. (Well, sorta like Billy sed.)

Now, since I ain't king o' the world or president o' the USA, I don't have me a army o' eggheads an' psy-ops special forces or a trillion dollar budget fer fightin' terrism. If I did have them things, I'd try figgerin' out what's goin' on inside the heads o' these SB's. I reckon that might be the onliest way t' stop 'em.

One thing I figger is you can't stop these sumbitches with war. Leastwise, not any sorta war like's been fought before. When the Merkins try bombin' 'em back, they kill a buncha civvies, themselves, an' that makes fer pissed off people who might jest strap on a few sticks o' dynamite.

It ain't possible t' stop 4 fanatic SB's or 18 or 50. An' we know an' they know it only takes 1 SB t' blow up a whole buncha folks inside a train or a bus or a restaurant or a school. One fanatic SB can always get through somewhere. No amount o' police or metal detectors or fingerprintin' businessmen at the airport can stop that one fanatic from killin' a buncha folks. Sure, they might stop sum of 'em but there ain't no way fer police or the army t' stop all of 'em.

Alls I can see is tryin' to cut down on the number o' people willin' t' be SB's. I ain't sure how on accounta not havin' all them things I sed but if we're gonna win this here War on Terror, I reckon the onliest way is t' keep the bad guys from findin' so many willin' recruits who's willin' not t' jest fight but t' strap on the bombs an' die. It'd be a good thing, sez I, if there was sum big peace marches in places like Tehran an' Cairo an' Baghdad an' Damascus an' Yemen an' Kuwait. In them peace marches, it'd be good t' see a buncha youngsters chantin' "Hell no. We won't go."

That brings t' mind ol' Buffy St. Marie's song. "He's the universal soldier and he really is to blame..." With the uselessness o' tryin' t' fight these here terrists usin' conventional weapons, I gotta ask how addin' more fuel t' the flames is helpin'. We gotta nip terrism in the bud an' that's sumpin' that takes a different kinda warfare than guns an' bombs.

If the terrists can't find enuff new blood, they ain't gonna win. I reckon the best way t' stop 'em from gettin' new blood is fer the good guys t' get t' the youngsters first an' win 'em over t' the Peace, Love an' Unnerstandin' side. That's the side we're on, ain't it?

Yores trooly,

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Zorpheus's Grewal Video

JimBobby SingsWhooee! Well friends an' foes, an email come in last night from this here Zorpheus feller an' he's got a video made all 'bout that there Grewal deal where them transcripts changed an' the Big-C numbnutses looked like the Keystone Kops tryin' t' make a case with doctored evidence. Zorph done a good job o' showin' all o' the changes an' he set the dastardly deeds t' music.

Here's a link t' Zorphy's page where he's posted up the video.

Zorph asked ol' JimBobby's permission t' use my song, The Ol' GreyWall, in his video an', naturally, I sed yes. My big part comes in at about the 6:20 point an' I sing while the credits is rollin' past. I ain't sure how Zorf knowed what ol' JimBobby looks like. I been tryin' hard t' keep my secret super-hero identity a bigass secret.

I'm sorta hopin' a bigtime talent scout from a major record label'll notice what a fine singin' voice I got an' I'll be on the road t' fame an' fortune. I reckon I might be travelin' on that there road drivin' a minnyvan.

So, if anybuddy knows any bigass talent scouts, send 'em over t' Zorpheus's video t' have a look an' a lissen. It's a laff, no two ways.

Yores trooly,

Saturday, June 25, 2005

How Much is That Watchdog in the Window?

Whooee! Well, Canadee's Ethics Commissioner come out with his report on ol' Judy Sgro this week an' he din't clear things up too much. I seen where ol' Eddie Broadbent sez BernieBoy's not up t' the job an' there's lots o' other remembers o' parliment an' pundidiots all pilin' on ol' Shapiro, so I figgered I'd join in the fun. I wrote me a little song t' the tune o' the ol' Patti Page number called How Much is that Doggie in the Window.

I recorded up an' audio mp3 file o' me singin' fer yer lissenin' pleasure. It's a short one this time so it's only 'bout 825 kb.

How Much is That Watchdog in the Window?

How much is that watchdog in the window? (arf! arf!)
Ol' Bernie Shapiro's his name.
How much is that watchdog in the window? (arf! arf!)
For a watchdog, he seems awfully tame.

He spent a hundred and seventy thousand dollars,
Investigatin' ol' Judy Sgro.
His report's got me hot under the collar,
Was she guilty? We still don't know.

How much is that watchdog in the window? (arf! arf!)
The one who ain't black and ain't white.
How much is that watchdog in the window? (arf! arf!)
His bark is as soft as his bite.

I read in the paper 'bout AdScammers (roof! roof!)
An' corruption places high up.
We need a tough watchdog to protect us, (grrrr!)
Shapiro's a cudd-l-y pup.

How much is that watchdog in the window? (arf! arf!)
Was she guilty? He just couldn't say.
How much is that watchdog in the window? (hnyhh, hnyhh, nyhhh)
Was she guilty? It's all shades of grey.

Here's the audio.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Geldof Bossin' the Pope

Whooee! Well friends, I reckon ol' Sir Bob Geldof's getting a bit big fer his britches when he starts bossin' the pope around.
ROME (Reuters) - Bob Geldof, the rock-star-turned anti-poverty campaigner, called on Pope Benedict on Tuesday to join the protest near next month's G8 summit to add his voice to the throngs who will be calling for action to help Africa.
Sir Bob sez he wrote hisself a letter t' ol' Bennie the 16th an' alls Bendicto sent back was a pitcher of hisself. Yeow! Don't Bendict know what a important feller Sir Bob is? I hope he at least autygraphed that there pitcher.

Fact is, it'd probbly be a good thing if ol' Benedict let BobbbyBoy Gelding bend his ear a bit on the anti-poverty angle. I figger the church is on shaky ground when it comes t' lookin' out fer the pore folks. When yer lookin' at all o' them golden statues an' jewelled head-dresses an' the opulence o' Rome, it's hard t' give much cred t' the RC's.

Down in Central an' South Merka an' over in Africa, the church's got lotsa power an' them folks got troublems like over-populated slums an' corrupt gummints an' AIDS. Them's all troublems that're either caused by poverty or else they get worse on accounta poverty. I heard tell last week that ol' Benedict sez the Africans dyin' o' AIDS better not use condoms. Shee-it! What century is this guy livin' in?

Yores trooly,

Saturday, June 18, 2005

1000 Chinese Spies Stealin' $12 Billion a Year

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I jest seen this CP story in the Yahoo News where ol' Harpoon sez we're being over-run by Chinese spies an' the Chinese is stealin' our industrial secrets an' it's costin' Canadee $1 billion a month.
"Today the former head of the CSIS Asia desk confirmed reports from defectors that close to 1000 Chinese government agent spies have infiltrated Canada," Conservative Leader Stephen Harper said.
Dang! $12 billion a year'd go a long ways in fixin' healthcare fer a generation an' gettin' shorter waitin' times fer MRI's an' new hip joints. An' I tell you what, them Chinese is usin' what ever them spies give'm so's they can sell more stuff t' WalMarket an' then the pore dumbass Canajuns can go t' WalMarket an' buy sum Chinese stuff that got made with industrial-strength espionage.

Stevie tossed his harpoon at the Chinese spies fer bullyin' Chinese-Canajun Fallin' Gongers, too. I reckon if all this is true stuff, we gotta big Chinese spy troublem an' we oughta be pushin' ol' Dithers t' do sumpin'. I'm glad t' see Harpoon finally holdin' the Grits feet t' the fire fer sumpin' important instead o' the usual name-callin' back an' forth an' polytickin' an' slowin' down parliment with social backwardism like fightin' against SSM.

Now, I reckon the Big-C's could make sum polytickal hay outta this Chinese spy thing if they'd get past blamin' the Grits an' start talkin' 'bout workin' together in the House t' try an' stop this $1 billion a month from leavin' Canadee an' goin' t' Commonist Red China.

Them Commonist Red Chinese is 'bout the worst there is when it comes t' repressin' an' oppressin' an' death-penalty killin'. Everybuddy's always pussy-footin' around the dang Chinese on accounta they got such a big population o' potential customers. Shee-it! If they're jest stealin' our industrial secrets an' usin' that against us, why should we pussy-foot? They ain't gonna be customers fer us. They're gearin' up so's they don't hafta buy from us an' they're doin' it by spyin'. Leastwise, that's what Harpoon sez.

Yores trooly,

Friday, June 17, 2005

Shootin' a Bear, FATMT's and Fartin' Martin

Whooee! Well sporadic readers o' my sporadic writin', I jest seen a headline in the Yahoo News on the CP channel that bought a smile t' ol' JimBobby's face. You see, when I was a young kiddie, my ol' Pappy had a way o' sayin' "Shoot a bear" when he meant "Fart." So, I sorta laffed when I seen this here headline --

Son shoots bear that killed his father at remote cabin in N.W.T. bush

Turns out there weren't any killer fartin' involved an' it's a tragic tale o' man against bear in the North country. They sed the black bear was foamin' at the mouth an' come attackin' 'em right offa the float plane so I reckon this weren't no ordinary black bear but mebbe he had the rabies or sumpin'.

They been gettin' sum black bears walkin' round the suburbs up in Newmarket where B.Linda's from and I heard tell of another ursus urbanus not far from Trawna (centre o' the universe.) I sure as hell hope we don't get any Foamin' at the Mouth Bears (FATMB's) 'round my nayberhood. I'm a bit further south so I reckon I'm safe but I figger B.Linda's naybers oughta be sum worried.

What we got in my nayberhood is sum FATMT's. Them's Foamin' at the Mouth Thumpers. The FATMT's (pronounced "fat empties") is the ones who's always thumpin' on the Good Book recitin' parts t' back up their ignorant bullyin'. I ain't got much use fer fat empties. I don't reckon they're quite as dangerous as them FATMB's. They sure as hell scare easier. They're scared o' stuff like selfsame sexy marryin' (SSM) an' seein' a coupla queer fellers holdin' hands in a cartoon.

Speakin' o' selfsame sexy marryin', I'm gettin' purty damn disgusted with ol' Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin. The ditherin' dimwit ain't done diddly since clawin' his way t' power an' now it looks like the SSM bill is gonna get pushed down until the Fall or until hell freezes over. Lord Thunderin' Jeezuz, boys! The remembers o' parliment been pissin' around with this here marryin' bill fer the whole ding-dong session. The courts has been dealin' with it fer years. Everybody who voted last time knew what their candidates sed on SSM. Nobuddy sez they're changin' their minds. Why in the hell does Fartin' Martin wanna wait?

Why? I'm glad I asked. I'll tell you why. It's on accounta Paddy O'Brain an' his anti-SSM Liberal sideshow. Ol' Polly Martin's runnin' scared from dissent in his Liberal ranks. If Fartin' Martin had any gumption, he'd be up on his hind legs sellin' SSM an' tellin' Patio Brine how it's a equal rights thing an' how the MP's gotta stay late an' vote on sumpin' so dang important.

My ol' Pappy had sayin's 'bout other stuff besides shootin' bears. He useta say "actions speak louder'n words." Well, ol' Pryminister Martin's actions is speakin' loud right now an' they sez he ain't so strong on SSM an' equal rights like he sez he is. JimBobby sez Martin oughta quit the sumbitchin' ditherin' an' get at least one good thing done. There's a whole summer comin' up fer queer weddin's. No reason t' let ol' Stevie Harpoon hog all the fun at them there barbecues.

Yores trooly,

Thursday, June 09, 2005

The Ol' Grey Wall (he ain't what he useta be)

Whooee! Well, friends an' foes, I had a couplafew fellers ask when I was gonna write up another song an' post up a audio boog fer yer lissenin' pleasure. I set my keester down jest now an' got a new song writ an' I recorded it, too.

I guess I better admit I spliced two recordin's together. The first version din't have me givin' any introduction t' the song so I made a new one an' pasted it in front o' the first one. It ain't too tricky an' I don't see any o' them poppity-pop lines like in them Grewal tapes. Ol' Grey oughta get hisself better audio editin' software. I reckon he coulda made a haff-assed decent job out of it if he'd o' used Audacity or Sound Forge.

So, here's my little song set t' the tune o' The Old Grey Mare.

The Ol' GreyWall

Oh, the ol' GreyWall, he ain't what he useta be,
Ain't what he useta be, ain't what he useta be.
The ol' GreyWall, he ain't what he useta be,
Many long years ago.

Oh, the ol' GreyWall, he sez he's a super-sleuth,
Exposin' the awful truth, from a recordin' booth.
The ol' GreyWall, he sez he's a super-sleuth,
Rootin' out Liberal wrongs.

Oh, the ol' GreyWall, he fired up his tape machine,
Tape recorded Martin's team playin' at a dirty scheme.
The ol' GreyWall, he fired up his tape machine,
An' secretly taped the Grits.

Oh, the ol' GreyWall, he leaked the tapes in bits an' bursts,
Inflictin' lotsa Liberal hurt, as 'round specifics they did skirt.
The ol' GreyWall, he leaked the tapes in bits an' bursts,
Leavin' out some juicy parts.

Oh, the GreyWall tapes, they ain't what they useta be,
Send 'em to the RCMP, we'll see who done skullduggery,
The GreyWall tapes, they been altered, yessirree.
So say the audio cops.

Oh, the ol' GreyWall's got support from leader Steve Harpoon,
Backin' up his star buffoon, better smell the coffee soon.
The ol' GreyWall's got support from leader Steve Harpoon,
He's about the only one.

Now, ol' GreyWall is neck-deep in another mess,
No wonder he's feelin' stress, did he or did he not invest?
Fifty-thousand bucks, in one day and out the next.
Welcome to Canadee.

Oh, the ol' GreyWall's constituents have writ him off.
At his stories, they do scoff, just a politician at the trough.
The ol' GreyWall's constituents have writ him off.
Pension the sumbitch off.

The audio version (3:50 1.77MB mp3) has choruses sung in between the verses so there's more there than there is here but I'm a lazyass an' I couldn't bother with all o' the ding-dong typewritin'.

Yores trooly,

Friday, June 03, 2005

Taggin' Boogers

Whooee! Well there's a game o' tag goin' on in the boogeysphere an' ol' JimBobby's been tagged by DarceyFeller over t' Dust My Broom an' also by GlendaGal. I been tagged so I reckon that means I gotta spill the beans 'bout books I read.

Last book I bought was Charlie Farquharson's Histry of Canda - Reevised and More Expansive.

That there is also the last book I read ('cept I'm still readin' it.)

As fer books that I reckon mean a lot t' me here they are:

Songs of a Sourdough by Robert Service

The Beatty Barn Book

Elbert Hubbard's Scrap Book

Complete Book of Etiquette by Amy Vanderbilt (1957 edition)

Them 4 was right at my fingertips an' I didn't even hafta get outta my chair t' grab 'em an' scan 'em. The one I can't lay my hands onta is Bound for Glory by Woody Guthrie. I reckon I loaned it out an' it din't come back an' now I don't remember who borrowed it an' I can't fine'm fer bein' overdue or take away their liberry card.

As fer how many books I own, I reckon there's a coupla hunnert or more. Do skin magazines count?

Now, I reckon I gotta tag 5 other boogers.

I tag:

JamesyBoy Bow
Billfeller Doskoch
Rob Cottingham
Jay CurriePowder

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Playground on the Rideau

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, it's been more'n ten days since ol' JimBobby posted up a boog story. It ain't on accounta nuthin's been happenin' in the world o' polyticks. Mebbe it's jest that I been so damn disgusted with the whole ding-dong buncha idjits we sent t' Ottywa t' run the country. Shee-it! Them numbnutses is actin' like kindergarten kiddies in the playground. All the namecallin' an' mudslingin' an' parlimentary pickyness an' posturin' jest makes me so damn sad 'bout what's happenin' t' our home an' native land that I don't hardly know what t' say 'bout it.

Ol' Harpoon wanted an election vote. Nevermind that nobuddy else wanted t' go out an' vote jest a year after we voted last time. Nevermind that Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin out-polyticked StevieBoy with his TV show promise t' call an election vote 30 days after Justus Gumper's Choir Show sings its grand finalee. Nevermind that he jest lost the best thing he had goin' fer hisself when it comes t' puttin' on the moderate face in Ontariariario. Nevermind that the CPC an' Bloc combined only got 42% of the popular vote an' the Grits an' DippyWips combined got 52%. It's "Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead." fer the HarpoonTosser.

I reckon I wouldn't mind havin' an election vote this summer but I hear tell most Canajuns ain't too keen on the idee. I reckon democracy is mostly 'bout majority rule an' if the majority o' Canucks wanna wait on Gumper's report, fine by me. The bestest thing 'bout havin' an election vote is I could get in there an' vote fer "None o' the above."

An' what the hell's goin' on with this here Gurmont Grewal remember o' parliment? The day before the budget vote, ol' GreyWall sez the Pryminister's office was offerin' up bigass bribes fer Mr. an' Mrs. GrayWal t' set out the vote. He sez he's got the tapes t' prove the whole sordid mess. That was damn near two weeks ago an' the CPC ain't turned over that there tape or made the whole tape 'vailable t' anybuddy. If it's so damn incriminatin', they oughta let the whole thing out right off the bat. I see ol' Inky Dinky Inkwells is wonderin' what's up with this here tape, too. Polly Wells sez the CPC's actin' like kiddies an' I say he's on the money a hunnert percents worth.

It makes me wonder if the CPC might be usin' all this time t' doctor up them tapes. Either that or mebbe the tapes show jest what sum folks sez - mebbe ol' Grewal was fishin' fer a plum an' used the tape recorder t' lay a trap fer the Grits. Whatever reason the HarpoonTossers got fer holdin' onta them tapes, nobuddy's buyin' anymore. The longer they hold 'em, the worse the Cons is lookin'. Mebbe the whole tape is gonna make them GreyWalleyes look so sick that the CPC hasta toss 'em back inta the lake. Yeow! That'd sure hurt the Big-C's if they was t' lose a coupla more MP's.

I reckon Canajuns jest want grownups t' act like grownups an' t' run the country like we elected 'em t' do. I hate t' hafta admit it but the onliest one lookin' like a grownup lately is ol' HappyJack Laydown. If the Grits an' the Cons don't quit actin' like kiddies in the playground an' start actin' like remembers o' parliment, the DippyWips'll be the bigass winners next time around. Them an' the rotten separatist BlocHeads.

Yores trooly,