Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Tobacco Farmer Song (audio)

Whooee! Well, I been seein' a few boogs where they're pointin' the finger at Immigration Minister Diane Finley fer pork-barrellin' the tobacky industry. Jeff Jedras who's the BCer in TO had hisself a piece on it and so did this here audacious ontology booger from out in Salmon Arm, BC. I left the selfsame comment on both o' them boogs.

Here's most o' what I sed -

I live in Finley's ridin'. This here tobacky bizness is a big deal 'round my neck o' the woods.

The gummint's talkin' outta both sides of its mouth. They support the cigarette makers but run ads tellin' everybuddy t' quit smokin'.

They been tryin' t' get the tobacco farmers t' switch t' a different crop fer at least 25 years. There's one simple reason why the farmers don't switch. They make more money growin' their poison crop than they can make on any other crop.

There's $1 billion buyout scheme in the works. The way I hear-tell, haff'll come from the feds an' haff from Ontariariario. A billion divided up among 650 farmers with sum allowance fer bureaucratic overhead comes out t' 'bout a million bucks a piece fer the farmers.

But here's the thing...

Tobacco farmers are the richest farmers in Canadee. They got monster houses, mostly built in the last 20 years. They drive bigass SUV's, Mercedeses, Caddylacks an' bran' new top-o-the-line pickup trucks. They vacation in the most expensive parts o' the world.

They're mostly a buncha snobs, too.

Nobuddy 'round here'll work fer 'em anymore on accounta they're rotten bosses an' the pay's too low. They cash in on gummint programs so's they can bring offshore workers in t' do the work Canajuns won't do. They have bunkhouses on the farms where these pore bastards from Jamaica, Barbados an' Mexico live crammed together.

Their net worth is 'bout double what the average farmer's is. Their annual income is 'bout 140% o' the average Canajun farmer.

An' it looks like they're each gonna get a million bucks from the publick purse so they can adjust t' market conditions that any fool could o' seen comin' 45 years ago when the US Surgeon general let everybuddy know that there's a direct link between cigarettes an' cancer.

I know a fair number o' tobacky farmers. None of 'em smoke.

Well, all this got me thinkin' 'bout ol' Murray McLauchlin's Farmer Song an' I made up a version fer Tobacky Farmers.

The Tobacco Farmer Song

Tobacco farmer out workin' his fields,
Overseein' his gang o' black slaves,
The sun beatin' down turns the green leaves t' gold,
But the marketplace just won't behave
He takes off his hat and scratches his head
Tryin' to find a new answer
To a question they answered 45 years ago
"Does cigarette smokin' cause cancer?"

Straw hats and brand new Mercedes
Bank accounts filled to the top
Thanks for the smoke but I'm startin' to choke
The addiction is sure hard to stop

The doctors gang up with their 'no smoking' talk
Things just ain't what they used to be
The kids are out drivin' their motorized toys
Jet skis and their own SUV's
If he quits growin' poison he'll have to grow food
It's tough and the money ain't great
So they're askin' taxpayers for a billion-buck buyout
To put filet mignon on their plate.

Straw hats and brand new Mercedes
Mansions with big swimmin' pools
Whinin' for handouts from the public purse
They're playin' the public for fools.

Straw hats and brand new Mercedes
Bank accounts filled to the top
Thanks for the smoke but I'm startin' to choke
The addiction is sure hard to stop.


Now, friends, I know this makes two songs in two days. Don't getcher hopes too high. I ain't gonna be postin' up a new song everyday.

Yores trooly,


Anonymous said...

Pretty clever take on Murray McLaughlin's old tune!

And good stuff in the post.

JimBobby said...

Thankee kindly, BillyBoy. Next summer I'm gonna get out an' take a few pitchers o' the Jamaican boys out hoein' the tobacky fields by hand. I swear you'd think you'd stepped back t' 1930's Georgia. Mebbe toss in a few pitchers o' the mansions an' new barns an' Caddy Escalades.


Rosie said...

I hear that nice sandy soil is great for growing a certain kind of herb......

well, at least I hear its good for both hemp and ginseng. Jellobiafra touted hemp as the one plant that could save the world. And it doesn't kill anyone so the farmers could sleep well at night;)

Anonymous said...

I saw Fred Eaglesmith (whom you might be familiar with) perform a couple summers ago.

He did a very poignant tune about the migrant farm workers down in your neck of the woods.

JimBobby said...

Whooee! Yer right as rain, RosieGal, the hemp can grow 'round here in the sandy loam. Fruit trees grow pretty good, the ginseng's good but the markets got flooded lately. Corn, soybeans and market crops is good here, too. None them things -- leastwise, none o' the legal things -- make the money tobacka makes.

Billfeller, I was jest out at band practice an' we played ol' Fred's Alcohol and Pills song. Freddie lives jest down the way in Port Dover. That's where Ma's from an' where my ol' Mum's from, too. We go an' see Fred mebbe once a year. I ain't got all his cd's but I remember hearin' him play one like yer sayin'.


April Reign (aka Debra) said...

I agree with rosie, hemp is the way to go.

Gives the farmers a new crop, Canada a new industry, saves the forest, and is environmentally friendly.

JimBobby said...

Whooee! Thankee fer chimin' in, AprilGal. Yessirree, hemp's a good idee. Mebbe these farmers'll take the million buck they're gettin' an' buy hemp seeds. Somehow, knowin' what I do 'bout these whiners, I doubt they'll do that.

O' course, they could take the million bucks an' slap on top o' their other millions an' then sell the farm fer another couplafew million. Mebbe then sumbuddy else could use the land fer growin' hemp or apples or peaches or cherries or corn or soybeans or echinacea or ginseng or Christmas trees or nursery stock or any o' the other crops that don't make enuff money fer the money-grubbin' tobacka farmers.

Come back again, April. I visit yer boog from offa the Pergressive Boogers rss feed. I'll leave a comment more often so long as you ain't apostrophobic.


Anonymous said...

"gang o' black slaves"

Oh, really. The offshore workers come to Canada for various crops through government programs. They even have liaison offices to represent them and set the wages so they all get paid the same. There is no slavery here.

SuzyQ said...

Man, you have no fucking idea. I am not what you would even term as country folk, which is what I am assuming you are implying by the written accent of your informant.

But, tobacco growers are far from supporting big tobacco, smokers support big tobacco. Tobacco is one of the oldest agricultural products in the United States and the only one that supports the small farmer. Most growers don't grow much, and what they do grow supports the rest of their farm. There is money in it, but not the type of money you seem to think there is. You can earn enough to keep your dairy farm or tomatoes from driving you into debt.

I am sick of people blaming the sins of big business on the small time farmer. Stop smoking and get those in China and the rest of Asia from smoking tobacco at alarming rates and we may actually be able to beat big tobacco.

P.S. Most tobacco growers, until recently, worked their own fields. And many were white and black sharecroppers before that.