Sunday, February 27, 2005

Outrage o' the Week

Whooee! Last Sunday mornin', I started postin' up my Outrage o' the Week an' now Sunday mornin's comin' down again an' I got another outrage. Damn! Looks like mebbe I made a bed fer myself that I'm gonna hafta sleep in every Sunday mornin'. I guess Ma ken take the younguns t' Sunday School by herself.

I hadda smorgyboard o' choices fer this week's outrage. There was that dumbass racist over t' General Brock's boog got me hot under the collar. Ol' Fartin' Martin an' his pointy man in Washington couldn't get their stories straight 'bout the ballstick missiles. That there daycare centre in Edmonton fergot about one the kiddies again. The WalMarket was slappin' around its Canajun workin' folks again. The possibilities was nearly endless but I hadta make a choice so here goes.

What's got me mad enuff t' chew nails an' fart tacks this week is sum smartass YankeeDoodlers showin' a heap o' disrepect t' their next-door naybers that bein' Canadee. Over t' RobertyBob's Blahg he gets sum foamin' at the mouth Canuck-haters spoutin' off in his comments department an' one of'm posted up a link t' this here store where they's sellin' all kinds o' stuff carryin' a bastardized pitcher o' the Canajun maple leaf flag with great big capital red letters that sez "FUCK Canada". I pologize if you got yer kiddies settin' on yer lap while yer readin' this on accounta I don't usually like usin' that sorta guttermouth talk inta my boog but it's the main part o' my outrage so I got no choice.

animal abuseThat there store's got all sortsa T-shirts an' coffee mugs an' other doo-dads all made up with that nasty flag plastered on. This here doggy shirt is jest one o' pieces o' crap they's tryin' t' flog but they got lots more an' none of it is sumpin' anybuddy oughta be wearin' in Nunavut or anyplace else in Canadee or anyplace else onta the face o' the planet earth if they know what's good fer 'em. This little wee pitbull dog can't help what gets put on his back so if you see one walkin' on the street it'd be best if you took up the fight with the feller or gal on the end o' the leashrope an' not the dog.

The asswipes who put this Canuck-hate website store onta the internet sez this 'bout our home an' native land:
It's hard to think of a simpler way to say it. The Canucks are useless allies. They have screwed us in the War on terror. Let them know you know it with these products.
Ol' JimBobby has quite a few suggestions fer what t' do if you happen t' see anybuddy wearin' any o' this gear.

If yer in Newfie an' you come across a dumb sumbitch wearin' a FUCK Canada T-shirt, try strappin'm to an' iceberg or rollin'm down Signal Hill or nailin'm t' Rawlins' Cross. If yer in Nova Scotia, do sum step dancin' on his neck. If yer in PEI, dig up sum spuds an' shove'm up his poophole. If yer in New Brunswick, slather'm up with moose lure an' leave'm in the bush.

If yer in Q-beck, force-feed'm a bushel basket o' cold poutine with a side order o' knuckle samwitches. If yer in Ontariariario, take yer cue from the PEI fellers only instead o' spuds, see how many Maple Leafs hockey sticks you ken fit up his keester.

askin' fer itIf yer on the prairie, jest stick his front end down a prairie dog hole an' that'll leave his back end ready fer sumpin' like what the PEI an' 'tario folks done. Elsewise, you could tie'm to a lamp post at Portage an' Main wearing thong undies from that there store. If he cries, "Rape", jest tell the judgefeller that the way he was dressed he was askin' fer it.

If yer in Alberty, you got an excess o' cattle an' this type o' feller'd make good floorboards fer a little stampede. I reckon he'd enjoy a little drag-behind in a chuckwagon race, too.

If you see one o' these fellers out in BC, strip'm down to his FUCK Canada undies an' hoist'm t' the top of a big ol' totem pole. The baldy eagles'll do the rest.

If yer up in the terrytories yer always lookin' fer high protein meat fer the dog team or a skin t' use fer a flap-door onta yer igloo. One o' these Canuck-haters could serve dual duty.

Sum folks might say I shouldn't oughta link t' that store on accounta it gives'm free advertisin'. JimBobby sez horsehit. I seen they gotta tollfree number fer that store an' I figger it'd be a good thing if that there phone started ringin' offa the hook with fake orders from all over Canadee. Mebbe their email box'll fill up with letters from Canajuns an' non-nutjob Yanks who figger they's promotin' a hate-yer-nayber policy. Mebbe sum smarty code-writin' feller ken launch a denial o' service attack on that there website.

Well, that's all I gotta say on this an' dang if it ain't still early an' I got time t' get the younguns shuffled off t' Sunday School. I'm invitin' anybuddy with more idees on what t' do if you see sumbuddy sportin' sumpin' from outta that dumbass store to leave their idees in the comments department.

Happy huntin'.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

23 comments:

Balbulican said...

Were I to see one of those folks, I think I'd be inclined to giggle.

I remember the Reverend Fred Phelps from the Westboro Baptist Church coming up here in '99 (I think) to burn a Canadian flag on the steps of the Supreme Court. Reverend Phelps, as you may know, is the fellow who runs www.godhatesfags.com: and God had told the Reverend that our Supreme Court had fallen under Satan's sway when they ordered Ontario to include same sex couples in the definition of spouse.

I think perhaps the Reverend had thought that Canada was more...American, I guess. He demanded extra security, claimed to have received death threats, and for weeks prior to his arrival told his followers that he was at terrible risk, going right to the seat of Satan to burn our flag of iniquity, right there in front of us.

Well, the Reverend arrived in Ottawa and made his way to the Supreme Court with a handful of his supporters and a whole bunch of embarassed looking Ottawa police. There were a few gay and lesbian demonstrators there, and a whole of cameras. The Reverend made a pretty nasty speech, brandished our maple leaf, and set it on fire. He had a hard time getting it lit, but eventually it caught. He let it burn for a bit. The crowd didn't do much of anything. He threw it down and stomped on it. A couple of people booed.

And that was that. Oh, he was some pissed off. He was like a mean drunk trying to pick a fight...and not a soul was interested in giving him what he wants.

To my mind, he did a brilliant job that day of making himself...and the kind of people he represents...look like idiots. But what I like best was his complete incomprehension, and fury, at the notion that we just don't get too provoked up here about alpha-male displays of showy aggression. We find them funny, and a little embarassing.

And that's why I would giggle.

Mark Francis said...

You can't treat these people seriously. Can't ignore them either. My approach:

"Want a kiss then, weetie? Oh! I thought 'Fuck Canada' was meant in a sexual sense and not derogatory!

Well, that's not very nice. Did you have to swear? Wouldn't 'Screw Canada' do just as well?

I remember a few years back some of you people were trying to give the Statue of Liberty back to France. Are you still looking to do that? I was wondering if you strill don't want it, perhaps we could have it? I was thinking it would look great erected in Newfoundland or P.E.I.

Anyway, I have to get going. Here's a free gift. It's a 'Love thy neighbour' pin."

Mark Francis said...

Seems I can't spell today!

That's "sweetie" not "weetie", and "still" not "strill".

----
As for Phelps: He's a great example of a man inadvertantly furthering liberal causes through the act of pushing his own.

darcey said...

Wonderful story balbulican! That is a heartwarmer. There is a website called "f*ck Canada" . Mostly satire but it did cause an uproar awhile back.

Balbulican said...

Thanks, Darcey. I always wondered what the creators of www.ratemypoo.com did for a second act.

wrinkled time said...

Well... that's not very nice, no indeed. And there's no defending it, so that's not what I'm trying to do here, okay?

As an American who participates in lots of (non-political) on-line groups that include plenty of Canadians, I've been subjected to two years of name-calling and lecturing from our Canadian friends. Most of the Americans either concede that our detractors might have a point, or, more usually, remain silent -- because it's considered rude (even xenophobic) for Americans to defend themselves or their country.

My country is compared to Nazi Germany, I am a Hitler-supporter, I eat babies, etc. etc. Pictures are posted of Canadians burning the American flag, etc. etc. Obviously this doesn't represent all Canadians, but it's there and it's unavoidable and it's been going on for a long time.

So against your understandable outrage over the deplorable rantings of a small group of idiotic Americans, I offer my own simmering resentment. Partly over the endless, insulting, self-righteous lectures from my Canadian friends, Canadian politicians, and the Canadian media. But even moreso over the silence that greets it from those who think differently but won't say so.

Anonymous said...

~yawn~...Given the outrages of American foreign policy (which is where my criticism begins and ends with the US - what is does internally doesn't concern me very much), this "hurt puppy dog" demeanor some Americans are affecting faced with criticism by foreigners (and not just Canadians) is getting mighty played. If I have to choose between your hurt feelings or thousands of dead civilians, there really is not much choice, you know what I mean?

wrinkled time said...

Yes, anonymous, I know exactly what you mean when you say that it's a little tiring to see people making a fuss about their hurt feelings in response to criticism of one's country.

Which was, after all, why I raised the question about JimBobby's response of outrage to an obscure website that doesn't like Canadians.

Anonymous said...

Well, this particular effort at insulting Canada seems have arisen because of Canada not signing up for Iraq, which, as far as I'm concerned, is unfair. But in any case, if I came across a similar site in Canada advertising merchandise with a picture of the US flag and "Fuck the USA", written across if I were motivated to take any action at all, I'd probably contact the site owners and tell them it's childish and disrespectful. I wouldn't bother seeking out American web sites who that offense and mount some defense that this is legitimate criticism and somehow, a justifiable "tit for tat."

By the way, burning the US flag is a legitimate expression of thought in this country - so's burning the Canadian one.

JimBobby said...

Whooee! Thankee kindly fer makin' them comments. Yer probbly right, Balbulican. Gigglin' would be better fer my blood pressure.

Markfeller an' Darcey, thankee fer yer two penniesworth.

Wrinkled Time, yer wondrin' why I took the time t' say anything 'bout these numbnuts. Well, I come across 'em an' they pissed me off an' I guess that sez it. But one o' the biggest reasons fer them pissin' me off is sumpin' mebbe I din't get clear enuff. Dumbasses like these FUCK Canada asswipes are the kind who drive a big ol' splittin' wedge between the Yanks an' the Canucks. They's intolerant haters an' sumpin' I don't tolerate is intolerance.

Now, I don't want you t' take this the wrong way but when you sed:

"Most of the Americans either concede that our detractors might have a point, or, more usually, remain silent -- because it's considered rude (even xenophobic) for Americans to defend themselves or their country."

I don't think there's many Canajuns or other fereigners would agree. I ain't sayin' that all Merkins is loud-mouthed, might-makes-right flagwavers but that's the way it looks t' plenty o' folks livin' outside o' the USA. There ain't many that think Merkins is the type that stay quiet when sumbuddy sez sumpin' bad 'bout the good ol' USA.

When ol' Dubya got up on his hind legs an' sed either yer with the Yanks or yer with the terrists, that din't sit too well with lotsa Canajuns an' that there mighta been one big thing started makin' a longtimey friendship start t' turn sour. That, an' this feller PollyWolly Celucci who's yer Ambassador an' can't open his yap without offendin' Canajuns by tellin' us what we hafta do.

When these here idjits flog their hate Canadee T-shirts, Canajuns gotta right t' be pissed off an' Merkins should be pissed off at 'em, too, fer tryin' t' stir up bad feelin' between old friends.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Bloogers Byline said...

ol Prat Johnsons still waitin fer them amerk Democrats ta come ta Canady so he can sell em some condominiums hees buildin on Moogers Swamp. he likes them Democrats his grand daddy owned one and he used ta say sittin up on a democrat ya got a good view o the horses ass pullin it hoooooohaaaa

stageleft said...

Wasn't it Jerry Garcia, may the gods grant him a happy afterlife, who sang "...more to be pitied than scolded"? I know for sure that Billy Connelly worked it into his standup routine 'lo these may years ago... regardless, it ain't worth getting too steamed up about. Chaulk it up to the same mentality that gave the United States "freedom fries" - and then laugh :-)

wrinkled time said...

From anonymous: By the way, burning the US flag is a legitimate expression of thought in this country - so's burning the Canadian one.Well, anonymous, burning the flag is a legitimate expression of thought in America, too. So is the expression "Fuck Canada." It's rude, and I don't agree with it, but it's protected speech. That doesn't, apparently, prevent outrage.

From JimBobby: Wrinkled Time, yer wondrin' why I took the time t' say anything 'bout these numbnuts.No, actually, I was wondering -- with so much going on this week -- that it registered so high as to make your outrage of the week.

Are Canadians really that unused to their country being criticized, from within or without, that this is considered a big deal?

Dumbasses like these FUCK Canada asswipes are the kind who drive a big ol' splittin' wedge between the Yanks an' the Canucks.Well, I suggest that they're too little and you're about two years of cross-border insulting too late.

I ain't sayin' that all Merkins is loud-mouthed, might-makes-right flagwavers but that's the way it looks t' plenty o' folks livin' outside o' the USA.Ah, here we are. With the politeness for which Canadians are so famous, I won't respond in kind.

Bob Turner said...

There is a ton of Anti Americanism here in Canada ...a little fuck Canada is no biggy...and all things considered to be expected.

Why would they want to take crap from us?

Yoda said...

Good job for bringing this up JimBobby, sure there is a lot of slandering back and forth between our countries. Sticks and Stones and that kind of thing, but when someone is trying to make a profit by selling panties and shirts that say "F#$& Canada", thats just wrong. Maybe we can make shirts that say "F#$& Bush and America" see what they think, or sell American flags with crap stains on them.

JimBobby said...

Whooee! These here Outrages o' the Week sure make fer sum funny ol' surprises. Last week was my firstest outrage that bein' 'bout the sumbitches killin' the baldy eagles. Even inta my wildass dreams, I never once thought anybuddy'd chime in sayin' killin' eagles is a good thing.

This here second edition o' my outrage was 'bout me bein' pissed off 'bout these sumbitches sellin' their FUCK Canada crap. I never in my wildass dreams figgered they'd have their defenders chimin' in.

Alrighty, everbuddy's got a right t' free speechifyin'. I ain't sayin' they don't but I ain't obliged t' like what they say with that their free speech an' I gotta right t' free speech, too.

Like I sed in my Outrage, I ain't keen on these numbnuts promotin' a hate-yer-nayber policy an' that's jest what I reckon they's doin'.

A coupla commenterfolks here think it's small potaters an' ol' JimBobby shoulda picked sum better thing t' get hisself all in a lather over. Like I sed, I come across this crappola, it pissed me off, I wrote me a piece about it. You wanna be outraged 'bout sumpin' different? Go ahead.

Ol' Merle Haggard had hisself a hit country song away back in 'bout numbnuts who was runnin' down his country. His country's the good ol' USofA. My countryt's Canadee but I feel like ol' Merle when it comes t' asswipes who run it down. Here's a little piece o' Merle's ditty.

"When they're runnin' down my country, man,
They're walkin' on the fightin' side of me.
Yeah, walkin' on the fightin' side of me.
Runnin' down the way of life,
Our fightin' men have fought and died to keep.
If you don't love it, leave it:
Let this song I'm singin' be a warnin'.
If you're runnin' down my country, man,
You're walkin' on the fightin' side of me."

Anybuddy wantsa t' lissen t' ol' Merle sing it, jest click here.

Tossin' ignorant insults back an' forth across that there 3000 mile border ain't good. Standin' up fer Canadee when dickweeds like these FUCK Canada dumbasses try t' make money outta stirrin' up hate is what I done in my Outrage an' I'm stickin' to it.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Anonymous said...

Wrinkled in Time:

Are Canadians really that unused to their country being criticized, from within or without, that this is considered a big deal?Right. "Fuck Canada" over the Maple Leaf printed on thong underwear is a careful critique of Canada's decision on Iraq. Look, I'm not loosing any sleep over this, believe you me, but you seem to be making an effort at missing the point, and that kind of obtuseness just begs for a response.

In any case, both this blog and the commentators don't represent all Canadians. I'm more than used to hearing my country being criticised by Americans (...and the Brits and the French...that's seems to be about it for foreigners who actually have a formed opinion about the country, as opposed to everyone else who, seem benignly indifferent) Criticism from the average American, to be quite honest, almost always comes in the form of "fuck Canada" or "Canada sucks."

Now, if Americans would bother to give an informed critique of the country (our lack or risk-taking, our sell-out economy.), I might be more impressed. As it stands, I'm finding most Americans increasingly ignorant and coarse.

canukistan said...

Well Damn, there goes my idea for selling a "Canukistan Sux!" line of t-shirts and thongs! I think a lot of my fellow right-thinking Canukistan-hating Canadians will be buying F*ck Canada! toques and underwear. We hate this second rate socialistic country, mostly because we agree with everything Ann Coulter says, and she hates us too!

Anonymous said...

You know, a t-shirt with a picture of La Coulter on it, scowling, with the slogan Fuck, Canada! might just be a big seller. The witty lefties would get it, and the humourless righties would think it meant something else.

jennetic said...

I don't blame you for getting ticked off. I guess as an American, I'm used to seeing this kind of stuff aimed at the USA. We get pissed off, too, and usually do make some comments about it (as you noted in your post).

I don't think anyone is defending the product- I think you're seeing similar reactions to the same kind of event (disrespecting one's country). No one likes it. We all agree that we should be able to say it (free speech) but we all also want to speak out against it.

For the record, there's loads of Canadian love in the USA (especially during Hockey Season...if only we can get another one!). The only free country I can think of that generates a LOT of hostility here is France, and that's generally settling down.

JimBobby said...

Whooee! Thankee fer chimin' in, JennieGal. I know there's lotsa Merkins that don't wear such hate fer Canadee on their sleeves. I'm happy t' hear 'bout all that Canajun love in the good ol' USofA.

Most ways, Merkins an' Canajuns is pretty much the selfsame. We love our kiddies an' our dogs an' we work hard so's we ken buy stuff like houses an' minnyvans an' snowmobiles. We love our country, too. Leastwise, most Canajuns do. Sum folks can't love their own home an' native land without throwin' dirt on the other guy's homeland an' I reckon that the troublem these here idjits sellin' them nasty things has. There's sum Canucks think thataway, too.

Far as the parlay-voos go, I figger they ain't quite as big as they used t' be in the scheme o' things an' they's feelin' a bit of'n inferiority complex. Standin' up t' big strong fellers like the Merkins when they get a chance ken be good fer the ego o' small time players like France an' Canadee. In the big pitcher, havin' France or Canadee in the Bush league probbly don't make a speck o' difference.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

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