Now, I figger I better put up a warnin' cause there's been sum numbnutses that sed I should get outraged bout different stuff than I do an' there's always sum growsers wanna take the other side an' say that the things that outrage me like murdered eagles or hate-yer-nayber underwear or WalMarket ain't outrageous at all. You don't like my choice o' outrage topic, getcher own damn boog an' make up yer own damn outrage. You think my outrage ain't nothin' t' be pissed off over, jest hop inta the comments an' mebbe I'll offer you up a taste of a JimBobby-flavoured knuckle samwitch.
The thing that's got me chewin' nails an' fartin' tacks this week is a Merkin magazine article where they try t' be funny (leastwise, I hope they're tryin') 'bout Canadee. Well, faithful followers, like ol' Merle Haggard an' I both say,
"When they're runnin' down my country, man,The Merkin magazine I'm talkin' 'bout here is sumpin' called the Weekly Standard an' the story that's givin' me a wedgie is this here Welcome to Canada by a feller calls hisself Matt LeBash. Now, when I seen the name o' that there magazine, it rung a bell fer me an' I pondered a bit tryin' t' recollect where I seen that Merkin Standard name before. Them nice Korean's over t' my corner store, Michael an' Agnes, don't carry the Weekly Merkin Standard in their magazine rack with all the other magazines. Mostly, it looks like they got sexy magazines with a buncha big hooters all flopped out fer the wankers t' gawk at. The Merkin Standard's got too many words an' not enuff pitchers t' make it at ol' Agnes an' Michael's Magic Mart Store.
They're walkin' on the fightin' side of me."
Finally, it hit me jest where it was I seen that Merkin Weekly Standard name. Whenever I'm over at the hockey rink an' I hafta have a leak, it's right there in front o' my pissin' pecker.
I been pissin' on this here Standard fer most o' my life since I been outta nappies. I ain't too sure where these fellers who made their mark sellin' pissers an' shitters an' bathtubs got the bright idee they oughta get inta the magazine bizness. I reckon that magazine might make sum good asswipe in a pinch but I expect it'd play hell with my hemmorhoids.
Hell, it give me a pain in the ass an I ain't even used it fer shitpaper.
Now ol' Matt TheBasher wrote 'bout how the Canajuns ain't so friendly an' ain't been kissin' the Merkins' asses as much as we done back in the Basher's good ol' days. He's a long-winded sumbitch, I tell you. Ol' JimBobby blathers on an' on but this here Matthew the gospel writer's got me beat by a country mile. This here article I'm talkin' bout is more'n 5,000 words long. Yeow!
One part he sez the pore ol' Merkins is like them squeegee fellers that run up an' wash yer windows without being asked an' then they ask fer a loonie. I left me a comment on another boog that was talkin' bout this selfsame magazine story so fer the sake o' savin' me sum typewrittin', I'm copyin' what I sed over there.
T' my way o' thinkin', that ol' Matt the Basher paints hisself a funny pitcher. The Merkins with Bushfeller headin' 'em up is sposed to be a buncha pore ol' derelict-drunk-druggies hangin' 'round underneath bridges an' doin' a kinda beggin' fer handouts. Now, in my little wee town we ain't got but one stoplight an' we ain't got a single squeegee feller or gal so I ain't any expert on squeegee folks. I seen sum in Trawna (the centre o' the universe) an' I'm purty sure in Trawna they call 'em squeegee kids an' not men. Mebbe the Merkins gotta older bunch on accounta they got more pore ol' senior citizens an' veterans o' foreign wars an' folks who got their sorry asses bankrupted by hospital bills an' stuff like that an' that makes it so their squeegee folks is older'n here in Canadee.
Ol' Matt's all gorey way o' castin' the Merkins as unfortunate dregs o' society ain't too awful respectful but I reckon he's jest tryin' t' be funny an' mebbe I don't get it or mebbe he's mixed up in his metaphors an' jest a hopskip away from losin' his mind an' his money an' his home an' he might be havin' squeegee men on the brain since he might be joinin' their ranks o' walkin' wounded.
As fer me, I gotta hard ol' time seein' the Merkins as the pore hard-done-by fellers in the world with them being the richest of 'em all. I reckon ol' Matt mebbe figgers Canajuns is like snooty-toot Abraham Lincoln Navigators sittin' at stoplights with big pocketsful o' loonies an' twonies an' that's too mean t' give a handout t' sum pore bastard who rubbed dirty water all over the front window.
Them pore damn squeegee kids need all the help they can get but anybuddy with an' ounce o' sense knows when sum pore drug-addicted, deranged derelict needs help, you shouldn't oughta tell 'em they're on the right track an' pat 'em on the back an' give'm a pile o' money. That'd be no way t' treat a feller human bein', nosiree. The AA folks call that "enabling" an' when one o' yer friends's got a problem yer not sposed t' chip in an' help feed that evil addiction they got messed up with.
Sumtimes good friends gotta be cruel t' be kind, like in that song. When they're all strung out on the power o' drink or drugs or they need sum mental healthcare, they usually can't see that when you don't do what they want you to, it ain't cause yer not their friend but it's more like cause yer a better friend than they think.
Them all gorey stories is tricky an' that's why ol' Matt had troublems with his. My ol' Pappy used t' say - practice makes perfect. Matt Bashfeller jest needs more practice is all.
Well, I first come across this here Basher's tale o' woe when this EdwardTBear pointed me at it in my own comments but I got me a bit of a cyber-psycho-stalker who's out fer my blood by the name o' KateyGal an' she's sayin' ol' Matt's right on the money. Katey's sorta the Annie Get-yer-gun Coulter o' Canadee an' she sez "Indeed," t' the Basher's Canadee-bashin' story.
Katey's arch-enemy before she latched onta JimBobby was Inspector Norman an' I seen over t' BoogsCanadee, Normy sez the Basher's an idjit an' he sez this dumbass's funny 5,400 word story in the Merkin Weekly Standard's out t' lunch.
JimBobby sez Katey oughtn't always side with every anti-Canadee idjit that yammers on tryin' t' raise a ruckus. JimBobby agrees a hunnert percents worth with KateyGal's nemesis, Inspector Norman.
Most Merkins ain't Canadee bashers like Matt an' Kate. There's a few numbnutses always tryin' t' start a scrap but most Merkins is good an' decent folks an' they'd be surpised t' see this sorta hate-yer-nayber stuff. So, if there's any Merkins readin' this, don't listen t' that dumbass Matt theBasher or his cyber-mistressgal, Katey. Canajuns is a lot like Merkins an' we jest wanna have our own country where we can deal our softwood 2x4's an' beefsteaks t' good Merkin customers who shouldn't oughta be payin' through the nose on accounta the lobbies an' activist judges and Democrass senators.
Now I hope yer all happy as Larry that I put up them two pitchers an' saved you 2,000 words o' readin'. I'm always thinkin' o' my readers, no two ways.