Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Kinsellerfeller's New Pryminister

Warren KinsellaWhooee! Ol' Warrin' Kinsellerfeller's got hisself a funny boog story today. It's all 'bout the guy who it looks like Kinseller figures is Pryminister de facto, HappyJack Laydown. Now, pore ol' Warren ain't figured out how t' get his boog set up with permylinks, so that link is jest t' his boog. The funny story is fer today's date, April the 27th.

Here's sum o' what the Liberal Prince o' Darkness has t' say 'bout "The Right Honourable Jack Layton, P.C., M.P., Prime Minister of Canada" --
Born in Hudson, Quebec in 1950, Mr. Layton grew up in Montreal and attended both McGill and York Universities. He holds a bachelor's degree from McGill University, and an MA and PhD from York University, his PhD thesis titled 'How To Run Entire Countries With A Caucus Of Less Than 20 MPs.'
Canada's newest Prime Minister is married to Olivia Chow, a former Toronto city councilor. He has two children, Sarah, 26, and Mike, 23. The family will be moving into 24 Sussex as soon as the present occupants can be made to understand that they do not run the country any more- and, in fact, never did.
Yeow! Like I sed before, ol' Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin's probbly wishin' he'd been nicer t' Kinsellerfeller when he first took over from Johnny Chretien.

Yores trooly,

JimBobby's Protegé - Paul Wells

Whooee! Yesterday, I sed the Maclean's booger Polly Wolly Inkwells might be tryin' t' write like me on accounta he used the phrase "het up." Today, when I popped my head inta Inky's boog, I seen he's got a boog story with the title "Fetch the smellin' salts, Clementine". I reckon that 'bout clinches it. I might mention also that I wrote a little email t' ol' WellsFargo a coupla days ago so I figger he's probbly got my way o' writin' lodged in his brain like a tumor.

InkyBoy, if yer readin' this then all I gotta say is sumpin' my ol' Pappy used t' say - imitation is the best kinda flattery. Thankee kindly.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

HappyJack's on the Wrong Track

Whooee! My ol' Pappy used say that the rats jump from a sinkin' ship. Makes sense t' me. I reckon mebbe ol' Happy Jack Laydown of the NDiPpers is swimmin' against the tide an' tryin' t' climb on board o' the sinkin' Martin steamship. I ain't sayin' the smilin' boy is a rat. He's jest a dumbass.

Polly Wolly Inkwells wrote sum good stuff in his boog today 'bout the $4.6 billion ol' Jackie's tryin' t' loose up from GoodAle's budget. Inky sez that in the big pitcher, them billions don't amount t' nuthin' but a drop in the bucket.

Here's most o' what Polly Wells sez:

Here's the interesting part: everyone's getting all het up over what amounts to chump change.

Like everything else in the second Goodale budget, the corporate tax cuts are rolled in over several years — there are almost none immediately, then more later, so the $4.6 billion is radically back-loaded. But for argument's sake, it averages to $922 million per year over five years.

Now. Compare that to the $12.9 billion, with a 'b', the feds will send to the provinces and territories in equalization and TFF (territorial funding formula) in the single year 2005-06. In other words, this year's share of the total five-year corporate tax cut comes to only 7% of this year's payments for equalization and its territorial equivalent.

Now. Compare that $922 million a year to the real big-ticket budget item, which is total cash and tax-point transfers for health and social programs. That's $47.9 billion for 05-06. The corporate tax cuts come to 1.9% of that figure.

Add equalization, TFF, and cash and tax-point transfers together, and the NDP's bottom line is a penny and a half on every dollar the feds will transfer to the provinces and territories this year. If I were to add in transfers to individuals — pensions, EI payments, and so forth — the corporate tax cuts fall well below a penny on the federal spending dollar.

Draw your own conclusions about what that means. My minimal point is that we have these national debates with incredibly high political stakes and you so rarely see anyone pause to explain the relative scale of things.

("Het up"? Is Inky tryin' t' take up my way o' writin'?)

Okay, Inky Wells, you got me puttin' the $4.6 billion inta perspective. It's raisin' up a big ol' question in my tiny little brain an' I'm tryin' t' "explain the relative scale of things". If $4,600,000,000.00 is chump change, then whaddya call the $250,000,000 that's causin' all the AdScam commotion? An', if I ain't mistook, it's only $100 mil outta that $250 mil that ol' Justus Gump is lookin' at. By Inky's figgerin', AdScam is all 'bout 2.2% of chump change.

Now, one o' the more interestin' things WellsFargo sez is that the bigass taxcuts ain't gonna happen til later on a couplafew years down the road. Laydown is makin' deals with Martin on sumpin' that probbly ain't ever gonna happen. Does Laydown really figger ol' Fartin' Martin's gonna be sittin' in the Pryminister's office a couplafew years down the road?

Alls I see happenin' from these here backroom deals between the Dips an' the Grits is that the votin' Canajuns is gonna see ol' Layton snuggled up under the covers with Martin. Does Laydown figger all them billions is gonna get pumped inta social safety nets before Fartin' Martin goes down the tubes? Even if GoodAle changes his budget t' suit Laydown, we ain't gonna see any effect fer years.

My advice t' Laydown is t' run from the devil Grits. Last year, Canajuns voted fer the "devil we know." Yep, we knew we was votin' fer devils. Now, thanks t' Justus Gumper's Choir Show, we know a lot more 'bout them devils we voted fer. In the movies an' on the TV, yer always seein' these stories where sum pore fool makes a deal with the devil an' later on they gotta pay the piper by fryin' their stoopid ass in Hell fer all eternity.

Sumbuddy oughta sit Layton down an' tell'm all 'bout how he's sellin' his eternal soul. I reckon that'll be a good job fer sum o' Harpoon's thumpin' theo-cons.

Yores trooly,

Monday, April 25, 2005

Audio Boogin'

Whooee! A few weeks ago I come up with the idee that sum o' my readers might wanna hear me read my boogs out loud. I mentioned it again in a comment on that there poem I put up the other day.

Well, friends an' foes, ol' John Fewings the cartoon drawin' boy sez he's gonna help out an'John Fewings, good guy. supply me with sum hostin' space fer sum o' my audio boogs. Ol' JohnFeller an' I been doin' sum emailin' back an' forth. I reckon he's sum sorta wizard in the web hostin' file transportin' department. He got it all set up fer me t' post up my MP3 yammerin' boog stories up onta his space. I owe JohnnyBoy a big debt o' gratitude fer figgerin' this all out fer ol' JimBobby an' fer lettin' me horn in on sum o' his hostin' space. Thankee, John!

So here we go with JimBobby's very first audio boog - Dangerous Fartin' Martin.

Jest click here fer the audio. I spose I oughta warn everybuddy jest how big that there audio MP3 file is. It ain't too big -- 'bout 1.2 megabytes. If yer drivin' in the fast lane o' the information super-highway, it won't take no time at all t' download. If yer still dialin' up from outta the slow lane, it'll take few minutes (mebbe 5 ?).

Yores trooly,

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Outrage o' the Week

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, there's lots o' stuff t' be outraged over this week, no two ways 'bout it. Ol' Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin's little Liberal party commercial on TV is one outrageous thing. An' there's more brown stuff hittin' the fan with this here Arar deal where the Merkins sent that Canajun cityzen over t' Syria so's he could get tortured an' nobuddy in the Canajun gummint lifted a finger t' stop 'em.

An' then there's this one where a 16 year-old numbnuts in Trawna posted up nudie pitchers of his 15 year-old ex-sweetie onta sum Merkin website. The cops is chargin' the dumbass teenager with kiddie porn so now he'll be wearin' that label fer the rest o' his worthless life. An' what's really outrageous is the Merkin website won't take down the pitchers o' that nekkid 15 year-old.

The kinda thing really gets me chewin' nails an' fartin' tacks is waste in gummint. I reckon my big outrage fer this week's gotta be this here thing 'bout payin' off the pore damn First Nations fellers an' gals who was kidnapped an' took away t' these here residential schools. A few years ago, the Canajun gummint sez it's gonna pay off the victims an' they set up this here bureaucrazy fer doin' jest that. 'Bout time, right?

Now, it turns out that this here gummint outfit that's sposed t' dole out the cash ain't even doled out $1 million but they run up expenses o' $34 million. Here's a bit from offa the CBC:
REGINA - The cost of a program that was supposed to fast track claims of residential school abuse is skyrocketing. The cost of administering the program has reached $34 million, while less than $1 million has been paid out.
Shee-it! What in hell's wrong with this here gummint we got? Can't they do nuthin' without spendin' t' the Nth degree?

Yores trooly,

Friday, April 22, 2005

Dangerous Fartin' Martin


Dangerous Fartin' Martin

A bunch o' polyticians was whoopin' it up in the Ottywa Parliment;
The feller who sits in the speaker's chair refereein' the arguments;
Up on the TV, in solo spot, sat Pryminister Fartin' Martin,
An' watchin'm sqirm was the opposin' worms, their rebuttals about t' be startin'.

The Pryminister's fears been a-buildin' fer years, ever since he got wind o' the mess,
When the Liberal crooks fergot the rulebooks, now PollyWog wants t' confess.
He looked like a man without any plan an' that's how he's looked from the start;
The deficit-slayer weren't really a player, O Paulie, yer breakin' my heart.
"Jest gimme a chance, hear my song, watch my dance, let Gomery finish his stuff,"
The pryminister sed with his face turnin' red. "One election a year is enuff."

After PollyBoy's speech, jumpin' into the breach, was Conservative Stevie Harpoon;
Not a hair outta place, Harper's ready t' race an' he wants that there race t' start soon.
"The Grits is corrupt, Canucks're fed up, we know all we're needin' t' know."
Without shakin' a fist or breakin' a sweat, Harpoon sed, "The Liberals must go."
Stevie's hair's lookin' grey, guess he likes it that way; it gives'm a look of seniority.
Mebbe this time around, the Grits'll go down. Ol' Harper could get a majority.

Next up on the bill was the boy they call Jill, the BlocHead from outta Q-Beck;
He's got lots t' gain from the Liberal pain an' he's ready t' wring Polly's neck.
The CheeseHat's all hurt on accounta the dirt happened under his cheese-smellin' nose;
Singin' "Gens du Pays," the AdScam payees is mostly Q-beckers, I s'pose.
Ol' Gomery's the homme who can throw out the bums an' take away legal immunity,
An ironical twist with a Liberal assist, Duceppe scores against national unity.

Then after them three, we all got t' see Jack Laydown a-sportin' his smile;
He's hedgin' his bets an' he ain't ready yet t' go t' the polls fer awhile.
It looks like ol' Jack is on the attack, rattlin' off all them AdScam confessions,
But elections can wait, sez the NDP boss, till we get us sum budget concessions.
Ol' HappyJack's talkin', pontiffically squawkin', 'bout sponsorship programs gone sour;
Cock-o'-the walk, he's talkin' the talk like he's holdin' the balance o' power.

The leaders was done with their speeches an' fun an' the pundits lept into their blather
'Bout Canajun elections an' Canajun crooks an' polyticians all in a lather.
The pundits can't wait til ol' Paul sets the date and the country can get out an' vote
Fer a better bunch who don't want a free lunch an' who knows we're all in the same boat.
A squeaky clean gummint, now that's what we need, I say let's get us one soon.
We can't hardly wait fer an election date, the twenty-seventh of June.

Yores Trooly,

BIGASS UPDATE: Whooee! Thanks t' Johnny Fewings the cartoon man, I got this here poem posted up as an audio MP3. Click here t' listen t' JimBobby recitin' Dangerous Fartin' Martin.

Serenadin' Chaz an' Millie

BetterDeadWhooee! Faithful readers'll know that I ain't got much use fer blue-blooded royal pains in the ass. I ain't the onliest one, neither. I jest come across these here limey punk rockers called Class War an' they got themselves a bran' new song 'bout ol' Prince JugEars an' his horseyfaced queen, Millie Parker-BowlinPin.

You can get the mp3 version fer free but if yer like me, you'll wanna read along with it elsewise you won't be able t' catch every word they're sayin'. I gotta warn everybuddy, though. Sum o' the words they sing ain't the sorta words you'd wanna say in front o' yer ol' Mum or yer little kiddies.

Here's one o' the verses:

Lady Di has gone to heaven
Thank f*cking Christ for that
But now we've got another one
Another Royal Twat
Prince Charles is really useless
A gormless f*cking geek
A Windsor family thickhead
On a million pounds a week

Yeow! Them punks is 'bout as anti-blueblood as me.

Yores trooly,

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Despret Housemembers

Whooee! I was busy with sum chores an' stuff at 7:00 so I din't get a chance t' see an' hear ol' Pryminister Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin when he sang his mea culpa TV swan song. Lucky fer me we got the CBC servin' up the speechifyin' on Realplayer (crappiest web video of 'em all). They got the other leader fellers speeches posted up there onta the CBC, too.

Ol' Polly Wolly sure sounded sorrowful despret. I almost felt sorry fer the pore pathetic pryminister. Onliest troublem is that it's all jest like Fartin' Martin sed hisself. He was holdin' onta the finance portfolio when the dirty deeds was bein' done an' he oughta known what's goin' on. If he ain't crooked, he's at least incompetent.

But the ol' boy sez he's sorry it's all such a damn mess an' we oughta give ol' Justus Gump time t' get t' the bottom o' the AdScam dung heap. Polly Wolly sez he'll make an election call inside o' 30 days from when Gumper's Choir Show sings its last note. The other fellers like the CheeseHat an' HarpoonTosser an' Laydown ain't sed yet whether they're gonna let Gump finish up before they drop the hammer on ol' Fartin' Martin's Liberal gummint.

I spose the opposin' side wants t' be sure they can win before they up an' force an election vote. Sum pundidiots is sayin' that Canajuns ain't gonna take kindly t' havin' an election vote so soon after the last one an' the party who makes that election happen is gonna pay fer it at the pollin' booth. I reckon that's true but the onliest thing is that no matter who brings an end t' ol' Polly Wolly's reign, it's the Liberals' fault we're goin' t' the polls again so soon. It was the thievin' AdScammers who caused the Liberals t' be in the minority in the first place an' it'll be the thievin' AdScammers' fault we gotta go to the votin' booth again right away.

A coupla things ain't sittin' right with me. I ain't too happy with the Pryminister 'bout gettin' everybuddy all on the edge o' their chairs by going on the TV like there's sum big disaster happenin'. Shee-it! The onliest crisis is the crisis in confidence Canajuns have with ol' Martin an' his bunch. I reckon this is what they call grandstandin'. The dumbass pryminister shoulda figgered that the other fellers'd get their equal time. Polly Wolly gets 6 minutes t' tell his side an' then three other guys get 6 minutes apiece t' dump on Martin. Smart thinkin', HerleFeller.

Another thing's got a burr up my keester is how much a bigass federal election costs the taxpayers o' Canadee. I reckon it's a few hunnert million. Between the money that got stole in the AdScam an' the wasted money we spent last year on a worthless election that hasta be done over already an' all that on top o' the $80 million, or so, we're shellin' out fer the Justus Gumper Choir Show, we're goin' broke. An' every ding-dong wasted penny is the fault o' the damn thievin' corrupt Liberals an' their advertisin' company buddy-boys in Q-beck.

I reckon it don't matter whether we hold the vote today or next January, the GrittyFellers is all washed up - leastwise fer the next 10 years or so.

Yores trooly,

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Dirty Dogs an' Polyticians

Whooee! Ol' Spot's a dirty dog after runnin' in the soybean field this mornin'. When I see a dirty dog like that, it always sets my mind t' thinkin' 'bout polyticians an' their backroom wheelin' an' dealin'. Now, I don't mean any disrespect t' ol' Spot but this mornin' when him an' me were traipsin' through the beanfield, it was like he was the polytician an' I was the taxpayin' cityzen.

Ol' Spot put me in mind o' polyticians even before he got hisself all covered in mud. He was out there all fer his own self an' he din't care too much 'bout what I wanted t' do. This mornin' he seen a bunny an' lit off after'm fer a quarter mile or so. I called t' ol' Spot but he wasn't listenin' t' ol' JimBobby anymore'n my remember o' parliment listens t' me. Ol' Spot jest done as he pleased an' come back t' check on me when he felt like it.

Once we was 'bout as far away from home as we usually get, the damn hard, cold rain started t' pelt down. Rain an' dirt an' mud don't make no nevermind t' ol' Spot an' jest like the pore ol' taxpayer, I was gettin' soaked while Spot was havin' fun doin' as he damn well pleased an' gettin' hisself all dirty.

After SpottyBoy got hisself all covered in mud, he started puttin' me in mind o' them dirty AdScampers that Justus Gumper's lookin' at an' also put me in mind o' them backroom mud-tossers I wrote about yesterday. If ol' David Herle was a dog, what sorta breed do you reckon he'd be? Terrie O'Leary'd probbly be an' Irish setter. What about Kinsellerfeller?

Like I sed, I don't wanna show too much disrespect fer well-meanin' dogs o' the canine persuasion by comparin' 'em t' them dirty dogs in polyticks. One good thing is I can put ol' Spot in the bath tub an' get'm cleaned up without me gettin' hurt too bad. Cleanin' up the dirty dogs in Ottywa ain't so easy.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Kinsellerfeller's Pointy Finger

Whooee! The brown stuff's hittin' the fan in Ottywa, no two ways about it. Yesterday, ol' Warrin' Kinsellerfeller got up on his hind legs an' told 'em all that Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin wasn't all lily white like he sez he was. The Trawna Star has a big write-up on what Kinsellerfeller sed an' how that's got the Pryminister's gang all in a lather. Here's a little bit o' that story:
In one of the most bizarre dramas ever seen on Parliament Hill, other members of the public accounts committee witness panel — including Auditor General Sheila Fraser — looked on balefully as Kinsella, responding to questions from opposition MPs, flung lurid accusations at former Martin aide Terrie O'Leary; David Herle, who has been a close adviser to Martin for years; and at Martin himself.

Kinsella, who also claimed that an unnamed person had tried to interfere with his testimony before the committee, asserted that Martin, when he was finance minister in the 1990s, was personally involved in awarding contracts to Earnscliffe Strategy Group, an Ottawa consulting and polling firm that employed Herle and other Martin supporters.
Yeow! Now, everybuddy knows ol' Warrin' was showed the door when Fartin' Martin took over from Chretienfeller. He an' Martin's crew been fightin' fer years, even before Martin took on the PM job, goin' back t' when Polly Wolly was still nippin' at Johnny Cretin's heels. I spose we oughta be takin' what Kinsellerfeller sez with a grain o' sodium chloride. But, dang, everybuddy's always sayin' how they can't understand the ding-dong finance minister Martin bein' in the dark on all these sponsorship cheques. Kinseller's jest tellin' us what we already guessed.

I got me a mental pitcher o' ol' Polly Wolly Fartin Martin sittin' on the CBC Cross Country Checkup Show a year ago an' he sed that anybuddy who was wrapped up in these kinda schemes din't deserve t' be in the gummint. When the Pryminister sed that, it seemed like he must be innocent or else he'd be takin' a big gamble talkin' that way.

It makes fer a tuff choice. The Remembers o' Parliment an' the rest o' us Canajuns gotta decide whether we believe the Pryminister who's tryin' t' cling t' power fer dear life. After waitin' in the wings fer ten years, ol' Polly Wolly can't be none too happy 'bout gettin' the ol' heave-ho so soon.

Or do we believe ol' Warrin' Kinsellerfeller, the Chretienite Prince o' Darkness? Everybuddy knows ol' Warrin' is a backroom warrior political hack spinmeister strategizer who could give ol' Karl Rovefeller a coupla lessons. He's got a burr up his keester when it comes t' Fartin' Martin an' his crew. But what he sez sounds more believeable than a Finance Minister who can't keep track o' $250 million.

One thing I'll betcha fer sure. Ol' Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin's probbly wishin' he'd been nicer t' Kinsellerfeller when he climbed up inta the Pryminister's chair. My ol' Pappy had hisself a sayin' that comes t' mind:

"Be careful who you step on when yer on yer way up on accounta yer gonna meet them selfsame folks on yer way back down."

Update: I jest seen a coupla other write-ups an' thought mebbe I oughta link to 'em.
The Globe & Mail has a story called - Martin took personal interest in contracts: Kinsella.
An' the Trawna Star has another story called - Martin knew of contract problems, committee hears.

Yores trooly,

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Shoot, Shovel an' Shutup

Whooee! With this here mad cow troublem, the folks who's in the know sez the big ol' herds o' cattle here in Canadee an' the big herds over in Merka are all mixed up together on accounta integration. Smart fellers's been sayin' the onliest reason the Merkins ain't got any cases o' mad cow is that they're hidin' it whenever they see it.

Now there's this here scientist feller who used t' work fer the US Department o' Agriculture who sez the Merkins is coverin' up the BSE mad cow. An' it ain't jest the shootin', shovellin' ranchers, neither. The gummint's in on it, too.
OTTAWA (CP) - A scientist and former inspector for the U.S Agriculture Department says he's willing to take a lie detector test to back his claim that his government is covering up mad cow disease.
Ain't that a fine howdy-dowdy? The Merkins get all in a huff on accounta a solitary mad Canajun cow an' all the while, they're hidin' the evidence o' their own bovine spongey brains. Our Canajun cows is probbly a whole lot healthier'n them Merkins an' we're takin' it up the pooper fer bein' honest.

Yores trooly,

Monday, April 11, 2005

Outrage o' the Week

Whooee! I'm a day late on postin' up my Outrage o' the Week. Yesterday was Sunday an' the usual day fer me yammerin' on 'bout sumpin' that's pissed me off but it was such a fine day yesterday that I couldn't write up that sorta thing. It weren't that nuthin' pissed me off or that I was feelin' all dreamy an' floatin' on air. It was jest that with such a sunshiny day goin' on, Ma an' I hadta get out inta the yard an' do sum rakin' an' cleanin' an' baggin' up all sortsa leafs an' twigs an' about a million pine cones.

Well, the leaf bags is all stacked up an' I finally got myself a bit o' time fer scribblin' sum words 'bout what's got me chewin' nails an' fartin' tacks this week. It ain't much of a contest. That there Justus Gumper Show is what's got me burned. I jest hate t' see this great country o' Canadee fallin' inta the damn corruption gutter like sum sorta tin-pot dictatorship. Sum folks is sayin' we got ourselves a northern banana republic an' I reckon they ain't far off.

Yer always hearin' how the Liberals want t' regulate everything with tickets an' licenses an' regulations an' bureaus an' boards an' commissions an' advisory panels an' every sorta red tape they can think of fer doin' jest about anything from holdin' a church picnic t' openin' a lemonaid stand. With all their love fer regulations, you'da thought mebbe they mighta put sum strings on that there $250 million in sponsorship money they were handin' out.

But, nosirree. They dream up this cockamamie scheme t' win the hearts an' minds o' Q-beckers by plasterin' the ding-dong maple leaf onta everything from Olympic jockstraps t' Formula One race cars. Then they open up the public purse so's every crooked advertisin' racketeer in Q-beck an' Ottywa can line their greedy pockets an' it's all bein' done in the name o' keepin' Canadee together so nobuddy thinks anyone'll ask where the money went.

Now, the worstest part is jest startin' t' hit home. The whole stoopid sponsorship idee's got the Q-beckers so pissed off that they're probbly gonna elect more BlockHeads next election an' they'll probbly throw ol' Charest out on his ear, too, an' bring in the damned Parti Q-beckwah. Next thing, they'll be wantin' anuther dumbass referendum so the Q-beckers can say whether they wanta stay inside o' Canadee or else whether they wanta be a new independent country all by themselves.

Talk about incompetent nincompoops! Them dumbass Liberals with their gravy train AdScam might jest be the reason why the Q-Beckers vote t' quit Canadee. After that, who knows what other providence might up an' decide t' go it alone? I reckon the Alien Alberts out in the west are gatherin' up a head o' steam. Alls they need is fer the Q-Beckers t' leave the happy family o' confederation an' they'll be tryin' t' get the Alberts t' do the selfsame thing.

Mebbe Ontariariario'll be next after that an' thanks t' AdScampers like Jean Brault an' Groupaction an' Alphonso Gagliano, Canadee will be a thing o' the past. I figger the balkanization o' Canadee'll be the legacy that ol' Johnny Cretin built fer hisself.

Yores trooly,

Friday, April 08, 2005

Poor Attendance Record

Whooee! Ol' JimBobby's been missin' in action in the boogeysphere fer a few days. One day I had sum computer troublems an' the other days I was busy takin' a course from the St. John Ambulance all 'bout first aid an' chest poundin' revival (CPR). So if yer thinkiin' o' collapsin' or gettin' a piece o' metal inta yer eyeball or fallin' an' busting yer arm, I'm yer man.

I ain't had much time fer boogin' lately but I have seen me sum news. I seen ol' Justus Gumper lifted up his dumbass ban on publicatin' what that crybaby criminal Johnny Brault told everybuddy. Yeow! It's sure lookin' bad fer ol' Pryminister Polly Wolly Fartin Martin an' his Liberal crew. It looks even worse fer ol' Johnny Cretin. The onliest thing 'bout that is ol' ChretienFeller ain't runnin' fer pryminister or any other public orifice.

I reckon they'll stop short o' sendin' a former pryminister o' Canadee t' the jailhouse. I won't be too surprised if sum high-up Chretienites ain't got enuff legal kryptonite t' keep 'em outta the hoosecow. When that sorta thing starts t' happen, that's when ol' Stevie needs t' toss the Harpoon an' bring down the gummint with a we-ain't-confident vote in the parliment.

Yessiree, I'd say ol' Harpoontosser's got the cards all stacked in his favour an' from here on out, it's up t' the Big C fellers an' gals t' jest let the GrittyFellers blow themslves t' Kingdom Come with all these here explosive revelations that's comin' out at the Justus Gumper Show.

Yores trooly,

Monday, April 04, 2005

Justus Gumper Meets the Boogeysphere

Whooee! I almost fergot t' post up my boog story today on accounta I been busy follerin' this big story where ol' Justus Gumper who's running the AdScam Choir Show told everybuddy t' keep the lid on sum hot testimony an' now it's out on a Merkin boog. Ol' Justus Gump's got this here feller Jean Brault givin' evidence an' by the sounds of it, he's got hisself a sordid tale t' tell.

I can't say much more'n that myself elsewise mebbe ol' Gump'll be haulin' JimBobby's ass before his bench fer a boogin' choir show. I reckon that there boog down in Merka ain't subjected t' ol' Gumper's Canajun ban on publicatin' the rotten things ol' Braultfeller sez they did with the AdScam millions. There's sum Canajun boogers who put up links t' the Merkin boog where they blabbed what Gumper told 'em to keep on the hush-hush.

Shee-it! There can't be no harm in jest tellin' folks if they jest click here they can read some hot'n'spicy stuff 'bout what was sed at the Gomery Inquiry.

Yores trooly,

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Outrage o' the Week

Outrageous weather fer April 3Whooee! Well I know everbuddy sez don't bitch about the weather cause there ain't a ding-dong thing you can do about it. That ain't stoppin' me from makin' a futile, plaintiff cry from behind my snow shovel.

This here pitcher is Ma an' ol' Spot down at the edge o' the soybean field this mornin'. Yeow! Jest this past Thursday afternoon I was in that selfsame spot standin' there marvellin' at how spring had sprung an' the mud was dryin' up. The wind was blowin' an' the sun was shinin' bright an' I reckon it musta been 60 or so on the ol' Fair an' Height Scale. I seen sum buds comin' out on sum trees an' there's all sorts o' robins jumpin' around eatin' bugs an' worms.

It was so nice an' springy out that I got up offa my lazy ass an' did sum rakin' out in the front by the road. Then Ma went down t' Joyce's an' bought me a bag o' grass seed an' I spread it all around. 'Bout 36 hours later, the damn snow started in. Now, Ma sez it's my fault it snowed on accounta I planted that grass seed an' not only that but I also put the screen window in the front storm door.

It's been snowin' heavy fer two days now. This mornin' we hadta set the clocks ahead fer the summer daylight savin's time an' it's still winter out there. I'm ready fer spring.

Yores trooly,

Friday, April 01, 2005

Invasion o' the Merkin Flyin' Squirrels

Homeland invadin' Merkin terrist flyin' squirrel Whooee! I jest seen a story in the CTV News that's set my ol' teeth on edge. As if we ain't got enuff vermin rodents chewing their way inta our houses and homeland, now we got a new variety comin' across the border from Merka. It ain't the glowball warmin' oven or loss o' habitat that's chased this here flyin' rat up t' Canadee. It's sum idjit human bein's who think the varmint is educational.

Rats ain't pets, sez I, flyin' or white or brown or black or grey. But when this little Sabrina (ain't she cute?), the hoosier flyin' furball, got the OK from the immigration fellers, it was fer educational purposes an' not fer bein' sumbuddy's dumb idee of a pet. That's all we need. A damn cutie-pie Mata Hari Yankee flyin' squirrel teachin' its terrist tactics t' our own Canajun bushy-tailed rats.

As fer my own little war on squirrels, I reckon the damn squirrel's winnin'. We had the trap set fer a coupla weeks an' fer a few days, we din't hear a thing. Lately, the critter's been stirrin' a little 'bout 6 in the mornin'. Other'n that, we ain't been hearin' any scrabblin' in between the walls. Mebbe it'll get louder when the younguns are born. Yeow!

Yores trooly,