Green Light (bulbs) for Wal-Mart

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I'm up t' my lazyass tricks again. I'm recyclin' a comment I made this mornin' over t' the Big City Liberal's fine boog. BCL sez WalMarket's doin' the non-evil thing by pushin' compact flourescent light bulbs. The Noo York Times is blatherin' 'bout it.

BCL wondered if the bulbs fit in a standard socket. They do. Ma an' me got a few o' them there bulbs here in our little shack an' I can't tell the difference when the lampshade's on.

WalMarket's jest provin' they do their market research. North Merkan consumers is wakin' up an' gettin' enviro-conscious. WalMarket sees an opportunity t' profit.

All-in-all, in the long run, over the course of time, when all is sed an' done, green industry an' marketin' will create more jobs than it costs. Those jobs'll be high-tech, better paid jobs. An' they'll be clean jobs where workers don't get poisoned on the job.

WalMarket gets it. They ain't bein' socially motivated an' it ain't because they're concerned 'bout ol' Mother Earth. They see the writin' on the wall an' it sez -- "There's gold in that thar green movement."

I ain't a fan o' WalMarket. That's puttin' it mildly. I'll be buyin' more o' them bulbs but I'll be buyin' from my local hardware store or grocery store. Buyin' local is anuther green practice. I can walk t' them stores an' the profits stay here in my little town.

Canajuns is demandin' better green action from gummint. We needta demand better green action from our own selves, too. Walk more. Ride a bike. Take the streetcar if there's one in yer town. Buy local apples instead o' Florida oranges. Reduce, re-use, recycle. Park the ATV, snowmobile, gas mower, snow blower, dirt bike, SUV, power boat. Put on a sweater an' turn down the heat. Carpool. Wash yer clothes in cold water. Quit sprayin' yer lawn an' dig up the dandelions, if you don't like 'em. If you gotta string up the Christmas lights, use LED lights.

Show the gummint we really mean it an' demand real action.

The ranks o' climate-change-deniers is gettin' smaller. GWB is worryin' 'bout polar bears. Rona's gettin' the axe. Dion came in on a green wave. Lizzie May got 27% an' come in second in London North Centre. The Dippers is tryin' t' look good by helpin' the HarpoonTossers draft a better Clean Air Act. The world's biggest retailer sees green dollar signs.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Archeological Proof of Spear-Chuckers Down East

Whooee! Well, friends and foes, sum o' the polytickle correct Canajun boogers is gonna hafta take back all o' the bad-mouthin' they been heapin' on pore little StockBoy Day. StockFeller posted up a boog story where he talked 'bout spear-chuckers from down east an' sum pergressive boogers took'm t' task fer bein' a racist ignoramus. Looks like mebbe Stockwell's gonna get hisself vindicated by archeology.

A New Brunswick archeologist is planning a dig next spring on the province's east coast after a woman found out the spearhead she had been wearing as a necklace is 10,000 years old.

Joan Rennick found the spearhead seven years ago at — appropriately — Cape Spear, which is about 50 kilometres east of Moncton.

Where there's spearheads, there's spear-chuckers. The ancient down-easters was probbly usin' them spears when they was out huntin' dinosaurs. This here's a triumph o' StockBoy's superior grasp o' natural history an' it oughta shut them PCPBs up.

Now, I been callin' the ConMen "HarpoonTossers" fer years an' none o' my pergressive boogin' buddies's dressed me down fer bein' a racist. Good thing, too, on accounta that's a purty good way t' getcherself offered up a coupla JimBobby-flavoured knuckle samwitches.

Anyways, the spearchucker thing oughta blow over quick now that there's sum better dirt t' throw at Canadee's Noo Gummint. Yeow! After all o' the talk 'bout accountability an' transparency, the HarpoonTossers is finally admittin' they done wrong t' the tune o' hunnerts o' thousands o' dollars.

OTTAWA (CP) - After months of heated denials, the federal Conservative party has quietly admitted it failed to publicly disclose hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of donations.

Deny, deny, deny. Wait til you figger nobuddy's lookin'. Confess.

D'ya reckon King Steve knew this shitstorm was on the horizon when he started not wantin' an election vote anytime soon?

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

We Got Him!

Whooee! Ol' Spot an' I teamed up an' captured the varmint that's been makin' life miserable fer the last couplafew days. Yesterday, the elusive squirrel escaped. He went inta the basement an' I thought he was inside a cupboard but I reckon he weren't an' he got hisself hid somewheres in the crawlspace.

I heard him gnawin' an' scrabblin' this mornin' an' I set the live trap where I thought he might smell it. Then, ol' Spot an' I went over t' the ballpark an' I tossed the frisbee 50 or 60 times. Spot had a dump. I bagged it. We come home.

When I unleashed SpotFeller, he made a mad dash. I found him in the bathroom with the bushy-tailed rat cornered in the tub. I locked 'em both in while I figgered a plan.

I went in quick-like an' closed the door behind me. I leashed up ol' Spot. All he wants t' do is play with the vermin. I got Spot out with the squirrel still in an' the door closed. The bathroom's purty tiny, too.

I managed t' get the live-trap set in there an' then I went out an' shovelled sum damn snow fer a haff-hour 45 minutes.

I come back in hopin' the rat bastard would be caught in the trap an' ready fer transportation t' Van Diemen's Land. He weren't. He was still in the tub.

I got a blanket from offa the sofa an' I went in an' caught the sumbitch. I had 'im a couplafew times in the blanket an' he squirmed out. Finally, I had 'im all rolled up in a ball inside the blanket. Spot an' I took 'im out back.

I let the sumbitch loose an' I hope t' Jeezuz he don't come back inside. He had hisself a dang good scare, I reckon. 'Specially, when SpottyBoy was givin' 'im whatfor in the slippery ol' bathtub. Yeow!

I jest called Ma at work an' told 'er what great protectors o' the homestead ol' Spot an' me are. I ain't sure she was all that impressed.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Varmints!

Whooee! Jayzuz Flickerin' Christmastree! We ain't had any varmints invadin' the homestead fer a spell but dang it there's sumpin' under the dinin' room.

Ma'd already gone beddy-bye last night when I heard sum scratchin' an' clawin'. Turned out, she heard it, too. Well, I gotta figger out what t' do again. I got me what's called a partial basement in my 125 year-old shack. Most of it's a decent ol' basement but parts is only boarded-up crawlspaces an' anything wants in, they jest gotta get past some thin plywood. One time, we had a damn squirrel walk upstairs an' inta the dinin' room. Sum fun fer the dog. Yeow!

I'm tryin' t' screw up my nerve an' come up with a plan. I got me a live trap big enuff fer a coon. I could set a regular rat trap. I got one o' them, too. I could try the ultra-sonic annoyer-repeller again. I think I still got one that I tried that didn't work worth a shit. I ain't got a gun but I reckon one o' the naybers probbly does. I ain't keen on shootin' off guns inside the house.

Whatever I do means clearin' a path past god-knows-what-all behind the furnace t' get t' the crawlspace openin'.

Wish me luck, friends. I'm up against sum badass rodents or mebbe even a bigass racoon.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

"True Allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Queen of Canada"

(Whooee!) JimBobby's happy as Larry that Iggy didn't win. Now, there's a little tempest in Ezra Levant's teapot over Stephane Dion's dual citizenship. JimBobby's alter ego, James Robert, has some views on dual citizenship.

Somewhere, in the whole dual citizenship controversy, we should be looking at the citizenship oath. Dion, presumably, never swore an oath of allegiance to France. Like most native born Canadians, however, he could quite likely have reached the age of 52 without ever swearing an oath of allegiance to Canada.

American school children are required to pledge their allegiance to the US every morning while they stand facing the stars and stripes with their hands over their hearts. Yet, Ezra seems to have no problem with Alberta separatist and dual US-Canadian citizen Ted Morton. If Morton was educated in the US public school system he will have pledged his allegiance to the US approximately 1500 times. When he became a Canadian, he would have pledged his allegiance to Canada just once.

Once, though, is one more time than most Canadians who can go their entire lives without ever swearing an oath to their birth country.

Most Canadians probably do not even know the oath that “new Canadians” must swear to be granted Canadian citizenship. Here it is:

OATH OF CITIZENSHIP

I swear (or affirm) that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Queen of Canada, Her Heirs and Successors, and that I will faithfully observe the laws of Canada and fulfil my duties as a Canadian citizen.

Foreign-born Canadian citizens have all taken that oath. This includes a number of elected MP’s.

The optics are poor. Dion should renounce his French citizenship — even if he never asked for it. It may be a non-issue in Quebec but I think TROC could be understandably queasy about a PM with dual citizenship - regardless of the second country or the circumstances.

BTW, does anyone see anything weird about our oath? Canadians are not pledging their allegiance to Canada but to the Queen of Canada. I posit that most Canadians think of Elizabeth II as the Queen of England and few (other than those taking the oath) even realize that we have a Queen of Canada. I know for a fact that some landed immigrants do not ever become Canadian citizens because of the fact that they do not recognize the superiority of royal birth and feel it has no place in a modern democracy.

James Robert

(Most of this post was originally written as a comment at StageLeft. James Robert is as lazy as JimBobby.)

Iggy Ain't My Man

Whooee! Well friends, I ain't a Liberal Party member or supporter so I ain't weighed in much on this here leadership race they got goin' on down in Montreal. Now that it's down t' the wire, I'm throwin' in my two-cents-worth.

I hope Iggy don't win. There's a couplafew others I hope don't win, too, so I ain't one o' these Anybody But Iggy guys. Guys like Volpe don't stand a chance anyways so I ain't gonna worry much 'bout them gettin' in. I do gotta worry 'bout Ig gettin' in an' I sure as hell don't like the idea.

First off, I better tell why I think it matters who rides herd on the Grits. The way the 'pinion polls is goin', the Liberals got a dang good chance o' gettin' back in power. That means whoever they got on the top o' their heap could end up as Canadee's next pryminister. That's howcum I give two shits an' howcum I don't wanna see an egghead expatriate leadin' the Liberals.

Igster jest ain't liberal enuff, sez I. I can't get past the way he backed up Dubya's illegal invasion of EyeRack. An' when he mushes up his words an' purty much gives his seal of approval t' torturin', well, how can he even be a contender?

Ignatieff ain't in touch with Canadee. He's been settin' up in that ivory tower down in Boston, Massachusettes, USA fer 'bout 30 years. Even if he sez he was always payin' attention t' what's happenin' in Canadee, it ain't the same as livin' here. An' it ain't like he was sum sorta exile. He left Canadee fer greener pastures an' fame an' glory.

I got me a nayber who useta be a Merkin. He an' his kin moved here 'bout the same time as Iggy moved t' Merka, 30-odd years ago. My nayber's a newshound - mebbe even more'n me. I asked ol' Bob if he'd ever move back down south. He sed he don't feel like a Merkin anymore an' if he was t' move back t' his home an' native land, he'd feel like a foreigner. Merkins use words like "foreigner" more'n Canajuns so I reckon he ain't completely cured, yet.

I figger it's the same fer Iggy. He's been away so long he's sorta like a foreigner. There ain't nuthin' wrong with foreigners but they oughta pay sum dues before they wanna be pryminister, sez I.

A fight between Iggy an' Harpoon'd be a battle o' the eggheads an' I don't reckon too many real-life Canajuns wanna listen t' 6 weeks o' that sorta crappola. Anyway, with all his war-lovin', torture-condonin' an' Q-beck asskissin', Iggy ain't the right guy fer the job.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Blogger Threatened by Troll "jeff" Quits Blogging

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, there's sum bad shit goin' down in the Canajun boogeysphere involvin' the uber-troll who calls hisself "jeff". Here's most o' what Mike, a victim o' jeff, sez this mornin' -

I'm done.

That's it. I'm not doing this any more. I thought I had some good debates and had fun over the last two years in the blogshpere, but no more. This morning I received an e-mail from fellow blogger 'jeff' in which he threatened to do an 'expose' on me, that he would be publishing my personal information like my address and phone number and that he would be contacting - and I quote - my 'wife and\or children' to tell them about me.

Well, blogging is fun, but I won't endanger my privacy or the privacy of my family. I will no longer be making any posts or comments. It is simply not worth it. In the end, I have better things to do with my time than engage in online vendettas or even fights involving lawyers and cops.

I could fight this, and quite effectively (and I still might have to if the threats are carried out), but that would be too much of a distraction from my private and professional life. I've done the cost-benefit analysis and I have decided that the fight is simply not worth it.

There 'jeff' you won. Happy? Your the king of the internet trolls. Enjoy your reign. I am done with you and this whole thing.

Yeow! How 'bout sum smart feller or gal does an expose-eh on this here boogin' bully jeff?

A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's Kyoto for?

Whooee! I been stewin' on this here Kyoto bizness fer a while now. I reckon mebbe the ConMen an' that purty gal with the big hair ain't heard 'bout how havin' bigass goals leads t' achievement.

Back in the olden days in Merrie Olde Englande, there was this here poet feller. You mighta heard of 'im -- Robert Browning. Well, ol' Bob Browning had hisself a good line that goes like this --

“Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?”

When I looked up that line jest now (which I first learnt from my ol' Mum 'bout 50 years ago when I was 'bout 7 years old), there was an interpretation fer lazyasses an' illiterates who can't figger out things fer themselves. Here's what they sed 'bout that famous line --

"Words from a poem by Robert Browning, suggesting that, to achieve anything worthwhile, a person should attempt even those things that may turn out to be impossible."

Makes sense, sez I.

I'd like t' be a better piano player. I jest got me a new keyboard an' I practice 'bout an hour a day. I'm sorta old fer piano lessons an' practicin' but I'm reachin' fer excellence, even if my grasp only lets me achieve mediocrity. My goals may be unachievable but I'll be a better piano player than if I din't set any goals at all.

I notice ol' King Steve is stickin' with the Afghan mission. Everybuddy an' their dog knows that a military solution ain't possible. The generals say so an' so does Minister O'Connor. The goal is t' create a shinin' beacon o' democracy in the MidEast. It ain't gonna happen. The best we're hopin' fer now is sum modest improvements an' a bit o' personal security. Since the original goal has proven t' be completely unachievable, howcum they don't reckon we oughta quit like we quit the unachievable Kyoto deal?

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Globe Insider Edition - FREE ACCESS

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I'm gonna let you in on a way t' read the Mop & Pail's Insider columns without shellin' out any o' yer hard earned dough t' Bell-GlobeMedia. I figger I pay the Bell enuff with my ExpressVu an' my Sympatico an' my telephone. Once in a while on a Saturday, I pick up the paper at the corner store.

Here's how t' read them 'pinion pieces by fellers an' gals like Johnny Ibbotson an' JeffBoy Simpson an' ChristieGal Blatchford an' any o' the Globe's other high-priced pundidiots.

• Go to the front page o' the Globe.
• Click on one o' them Insiders Only links.
  
  
  
  
• They'll give you a teaser.
  
  
  
  
  
  Select the firstest sentence an' copy it t' yer clipboard by doin' Ctrl+C or Right-click+Copy.
  
• Go to Google News.
  
  
  
  
  
  Paste that firstest sentence in the search field by goin' Ctrl+V or Right-click+Paste.
  
  IMPORTANT!! Put double quotes around the sentence. Click the search button an' yer gonna get probbly jest one search result. Click it.
  
  
• Yer an insider!
  
  
  
  
  
  Yer gonna be able t' read the Insider column but you ain't gonna be able t' read the comments or t' make comments. Whaddya want fer free?
  

I reckon this might jest end up like Google an' YouTube once the Globe's lawyers read my little boog story.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Krazy Kim vs. Dumbass Dubya

Whooee! This whole Dubya vs. the Axis of Evil thing is ironic, sez I.

On the one side, you got North Korea. They’re probbly the biggest isolationists in the whole world. They repress their people an’ they spend too much money on their military an’ not enuff on their citizens’ welfare. They operate outta fear o’ the Merkins.

On the other side, you got what’s s’posed t’ be the world’s most open democracy an’ a champion o’ free trade an’ human rights. They say they wanna spread their brand o’ democracy t’ places like Afghanny, Iraq, Iran, N.Korea.

Now, if Merka’s winnin’ then North Korea’d be lookin’ more open an’ democratic an’ it’d be spendin’ less on atom bombs an’ more on food an’ medicine. That ain’t happenin’.

If North Korea’s winnin’ then the Merkins’d be lookin’ more isolationist an’ they’d be increasin’ their military spendin’ an’ reducin’ what they spend on keepin’ their citizens well-fed an’ healthy. They’d be tryin’ t’ be more like the North Koreans.

That’s what’s been happenin’ under GWB. The Merkins ain’t been successful at spreadin’ democracy. They been adoptin’ the selfsame sorta policies them there Evil AxGrinders is usin'.

• They wanna build walls ’round Merka;
• They been on a military spendin’ spree while their food supply is gettin’ E.Coli;
• They been passin’ laws limitin’ freedom o’ speech an’ the press;
• They been lockin’ up people without trials or charges;
• They been legalizin’ torture;
• They been tightenin’ up the trade laws an’ makin’ it tuffer fer Canajuns t’ sell ‘em our beef an’ 2×4’s;
• The number o’ Merkins without healthcare has gone up along with number gettin’ killed in Iraq;
• They been workin’ on a new generation o’ smaller nuclear weapons;
• They’re showin’ less’n'less respect fer other countries an’ scoff at the UN.

So, who’s winnin’? Have the Merkins made any progress turnin’ them Axis nations inta sumpin’ like Merka? Or, has Merka turned itself inta sumpin’ more closely resemblin’ North Korea?

Yores trooly,
JimBobby