Friday, September 17, 2010

"Stay Calm, Be Brave, and Watch for the Signs"

Whooee! Well, friends an' foes, I gave my ol' blog a facelift yesterday so I'm all inspired an' I figgered I'd enlighten my thousands an' thousands o' readers with some rural culture. Something I seen yesterday was ol' Pitbull Baird runnin' his stoopidass mouth off about "Toronto elites" an' tryin' his damnedest to drive a wedge between us hicks an' the good folks in the big city.

There ain't much I want more than peace an' harmony between Canada's rural folks an' the urbane urbanites. I reckon if I share some rural culture with the city fellers an' gals, it'll help in the bridge-buildin' department.

Today, I had an errand to run an' I had a chugmobile out on the country roads fer a coupla hours. On the way down to Port Colborne, I seen a few signs alongside the road. On my way back to Mayberry, I stopped a couplafew times an' took some pitchers. Some of 'em probbly need interpretin' for Toronto folks but I reckon these signs is gonna help the snooty-toots understand us bumpkins.

Hog Assembly Yard

Here's a close-up of the sign on the barn:

It's sorta faded out but it reads "Hog Assembly Yard" an' there's a pitcher of a flyin' pig. What most Toronto elites probbly didn't know is pigs get put together on assembly lines at places like this 5 hours a week, 52 weeks a year. Us hicks is always hearin' how city folks don't know where the food in the grocery store comes from. Well, now you know about pigmeat. They make it the same way they make Fords up in Oakville.

Now, city folks probbly figger us hicks ain't very computer literate an' we don't know much about doing acrobatics in our adobe huts. Wrong, again. We can Photoshop just as good as any highrise dweller. We even know that Photoshop is a verb. Out here in the boonies, they even got special Photoshop deals at the farm supply outfits.

In case some o' you latte-sippers ain't so 'puter savvy an' don't know what crop inputs are, here's where they live in Photoshop.

Now, some city slickers is probbly confused about farmers. That ain't too surprisin'. The dang farmers need the sun but they're always prayin' fer rain. Some farm folks is downright hostile when it comes to the sun. Here's a van I saw today down around Cayuga.

I get the part about solar farms destroyin' farmland an' wildlife but I gotta admit I'm sorta confuddled about how solar farms destroy communities. I'm all fer rooftop solar, though, an' so is this here van-paintin' sun-hater, by the looks of it. I figger he needs a website so's he can explain about the communities bit, at least.

I saved the best sign fer last. City folks probbly think dirt is dirty. Wrong, again, Starbuck! There's dirty dirt, alright, but that ain't the only kinda dirt we got out here in Sticksville. Look an' learn:

Well, I hope them there pitchers help a few Toronto elites understand us rural folks better. We ain't always shootin' off unregistered guns, spittin' tobacca juice an' drivin' tractor blockades down the 401. We got a deep-rooted culture that ain't always easy to comprehend. I'm just happy I can do my little part for national unity.



skdadl said...

I could use some clean dirt at my place about now, JB. I'm trying to revive some sad perennial beds and dig out a couple of borders from the turf, and I need clean dirt!

Nice to see the redesign.

ck said...

Now, JimBobby, tell us elites, (ok, i'm from Montreal, not TO, but still, same thing, only en francais, right??) more...

Is your mayor also the town veternarian and the volunteer firechief at the same time?

Us elitists wanna know, now?

Wow! And u gots Photoshop too??? Impressive!

Great post, You gave me an idea, about a city elite post I should do... a Montreal one...perhaps, pepper it with some nice French "joual" phrases and words to boot!

JimBobby said...

Whooee! Thankee kindly, gals.

Skdaddler, I'm lookin' fer some clean dirt, too. I'd like to dish up some dirt on Baird an' MacKay an' Laurie Haun an' Harper an' especially on that little puke Pierre Pollievre. Clean dirt would be best but dirty dirt would work, too.

CK,that's a good idea doin' up somethin' on the Montreal elites. Impolitical said on Twitter that she's thinkin' of doin' somethin' usin' Grey Poupon.

My son, daughter-in-law and two grandsons live in Toronto. I get up there a couplafew weekends a year. I ride the subway when I'm there. I see thousands of people in a few days but I don't see any elites ridin' the subway or streetcar. Out on the streets, I see some poor, dang homeless folks. We don't have any homeless folks out here in Sticksville. A couple weeks ago, a panhandler hit me up for some change here in Mayberry. I been livin' in this one stoplight town for 23 years and that was a first.

I reckon most small town folks and rural dwellers live like kings compared to a lot of city folks. My little town's too small to have any slums. Hell, we hardly even got a wrong side of the tracks.

We don't even have a mayor. We got one mayor for the whole dang county and that's about 6 or 8 little towns. He ain't a veterinarian or volunteer anything. I reckon he's an elite... an elite asshole.

I figger there's as many elites in the country as there are in the city but there's more poverty in the city.

Happy trails.

Dr.Dawg said...

I think some of us latte-sippers need this to become a series. Thank you, Mr. James Robert.

Deverreouxqcbi said...

I think some of us latte-sippers need this to become a series. Thank you, Mr. James Robert.