Globe Insider Edition - FREE ACCESS

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I'm gonna let you in on a way t' read the Mop & Pail's Insider columns without shellin' out any o' yer hard earned dough t' Bell-GlobeMedia. I figger I pay the Bell enuff with my ExpressVu an' my Sympatico an' my telephone. Once in a while on a Saturday, I pick up the paper at the corner store.

Here's how t' read them 'pinion pieces by fellers an' gals like Johnny Ibbotson an' JeffBoy Simpson an' ChristieGal Blatchford an' any o' the Globe's other high-priced pundidiots.

• Go to the front page o' the Globe.
• Click on one o' them Insiders Only links.
  
  
  
  
• They'll give you a teaser.
  
  
  
  
  
  Select the firstest sentence an' copy it t' yer clipboard by doin' Ctrl+C or Right-click+Copy.
  
• Go to Google News.
  
  
  
  
  
  Paste that firstest sentence in the search field by goin' Ctrl+V or Right-click+Paste.
  
  IMPORTANT!! Put double quotes around the sentence. Click the search button an' yer gonna get probbly jest one search result. Click it.
  
  
• Yer an insider!
  
  
  
  
  
  Yer gonna be able t' read the Insider column but you ain't gonna be able t' read the comments or t' make comments. Whaddya want fer free?
  

I reckon this might jest end up like Google an' YouTube once the Globe's lawyers read my little boog story.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby

Krazy Kim vs. Dumbass Dubya

Whooee! This whole Dubya vs. the Axis of Evil thing is ironic, sez I.

On the one side, you got North Korea. They’re probbly the biggest isolationists in the whole world. They repress their people an’ they spend too much money on their military an’ not enuff on their citizens’ welfare. They operate outta fear o’ the Merkins.

On the other side, you got what’s s’posed t’ be the world’s most open democracy an’ a champion o’ free trade an’ human rights. They say they wanna spread their brand o’ democracy t’ places like Afghanny, Iraq, Iran, N.Korea.

Now, if Merka’s winnin’ then North Korea’d be lookin’ more open an’ democratic an’ it’d be spendin’ less on atom bombs an’ more on food an’ medicine. That ain’t happenin’.

If North Korea’s winnin’ then the Merkins’d be lookin’ more isolationist an’ they’d be increasin’ their military spendin’ an’ reducin’ what they spend on keepin’ their citizens well-fed an’ healthy. They’d be tryin’ t’ be more like the North Koreans.

That’s what’s been happenin’ under GWB. The Merkins ain’t been successful at spreadin’ democracy. They been adoptin’ the selfsame sorta policies them there Evil AxGrinders is usin'.

• They wanna build walls ’round Merka;
• They been on a military spendin’ spree while their food supply is gettin’ E.Coli;
• They been passin’ laws limitin’ freedom o’ speech an’ the press;
• They been lockin’ up people without trials or charges;
• They been legalizin’ torture;
• They been tightenin’ up the trade laws an’ makin’ it tuffer fer Canajuns t’ sell ‘em our beef an’ 2×4’s;
• The number o’ Merkins without healthcare has gone up along with number gettin’ killed in Iraq;
• They been workin’ on a new generation o’ smaller nuclear weapons;
• They’re showin’ less’n'less respect fer other countries an’ scoff at the UN.

So, who’s winnin’? Have the Merkins made any progress turnin’ them Axis nations inta sumpin’ like Merka? Or, has Merka turned itself inta sumpin’ more closely resemblin’ North Korea?

Yores trooly,
JimBobby
 

Sugar Bob Rae vs. King Steve Harper

Whooee! Well friends an' foes, I reckon I'll make my prediction on who's gonna win this here horse race fer Grit Boss. I figger Bobby Rae's the one'll come out on top. He'll end up beholden t' sum ABI king makers, though. I seen a 'pinion poll sez Rae's the favourite among Canajun folks but not delegates -- so far.

Iggy's too eggheaded t' win. Sum numbnutses don't care if a leader's right or wrong jest so long as they're decisive. Lookit the Merkins. Ig's a flip-flopper. I still ain't sure if he's backed away from sayin' the Iraq invasion was a good idea. Kofi Annan sed it was a crime against international law. How's Iggy square with that? His ideas 'bout torture make me queasy, too. He ain't liberal enuff t' lead the Liberals, sez I.

Here in Ontariariario, folks don't like Rae much and that'll help Harpoon in the next election, no two ways. Rae can probbly spin the history o' when he ruled the roost in Ontariariario an' he's flyin' the Liberal banner, now, instead o' the DippyWip flag. That'll help sum.

When Bobby Rae was premier, he was hit with sum bad economic times an' they weren't all his fault since the whole world was havin' the selfsame sorta troublems an' Noo York City even almost went tits-up. Bobby lost the support o' the namby-pambiest of all o' the damn unions -- the teachers union. When he asked them layabouts t' work one day a month fer no pay, they turned on 'im like a pack o' wild dogs. It's all on accounta them teachers we got saddled with Mike the Knife an' that greaseball Ernie.

I reckon the good news fer the Cons in Ontariariario is gonna be balanced out by the bad news in Q-beck an' mebbe in Newfie, too. Then again, Bobby's the boy fer keepin' the Jewish vote an' also fer gettin' the anti-war vote. There's plenty o' them type voters in Ontariariario, so mebbe it won't be so great fer the HarpoonTossers.

Yores trooly,
JimBobby