Friday, June 17, 2005

Shootin' a Bear, FATMT's and Fartin' Martin

Whooee! Well sporadic readers o' my sporadic writin', I jest seen a headline in the Yahoo News on the CP channel that bought a smile t' ol' JimBobby's face. You see, when I was a young kiddie, my ol' Pappy had a way o' sayin' "Shoot a bear" when he meant "Fart." So, I sorta laffed when I seen this here headline --

Son shoots bear that killed his father at remote cabin in N.W.T. bush

Turns out there weren't any killer fartin' involved an' it's a tragic tale o' man against bear in the North country. They sed the black bear was foamin' at the mouth an' come attackin' 'em right offa the float plane so I reckon this weren't no ordinary black bear but mebbe he had the rabies or sumpin'.

They been gettin' sum black bears walkin' round the suburbs up in Newmarket where B.Linda's from and I heard tell of another ursus urbanus not far from Trawna (centre o' the universe.) I sure as hell hope we don't get any Foamin' at the Mouth Bears (FATMB's) 'round my nayberhood. I'm a bit further south so I reckon I'm safe but I figger B.Linda's naybers oughta be sum worried.

What we got in my nayberhood is sum FATMT's. Them's Foamin' at the Mouth Thumpers. The FATMT's (pronounced "fat empties") is the ones who's always thumpin' on the Good Book recitin' parts t' back up their ignorant bullyin'. I ain't got much use fer fat empties. I don't reckon they're quite as dangerous as them FATMB's. They sure as hell scare easier. They're scared o' stuff like selfsame sexy marryin' (SSM) an' seein' a coupla queer fellers holdin' hands in a cartoon.

Speakin' o' selfsame sexy marryin', I'm gettin' purty damn disgusted with ol' Polly Wolly Fartin' Martin. The ditherin' dimwit ain't done diddly since clawin' his way t' power an' now it looks like the SSM bill is gonna get pushed down until the Fall or until hell freezes over. Lord Thunderin' Jeezuz, boys! The remembers o' parliment been pissin' around with this here marryin' bill fer the whole ding-dong session. The courts has been dealin' with it fer years. Everybody who voted last time knew what their candidates sed on SSM. Nobuddy sez they're changin' their minds. Why in the hell does Fartin' Martin wanna wait?

Why? I'm glad I asked. I'll tell you why. It's on accounta Paddy O'Brain an' his anti-SSM Liberal sideshow. Ol' Polly Martin's runnin' scared from dissent in his Liberal ranks. If Fartin' Martin had any gumption, he'd be up on his hind legs sellin' SSM an' tellin' Patio Brine how it's a equal rights thing an' how the MP's gotta stay late an' vote on sumpin' so dang important.

My ol' Pappy had sayin's 'bout other stuff besides shootin' bears. He useta say "actions speak louder'n words." Well, ol' Pryminister Martin's actions is speakin' loud right now an' they sez he ain't so strong on SSM an' equal rights like he sez he is. JimBobby sez Martin oughta quit the sumbitchin' ditherin' an' get at least one good thing done. There's a whole summer comin' up fer queer weddin's. No reason t' let ol' Stevie Harpoon hog all the fun at them there barbecues.

Yores trooly,

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